


American Tragedy

by orphan_account



Category: Hollywood Undead (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Drug Use, F/M, George is trying to be a good friend, Happy Ending, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Self-Harm, all of them on tour, just projecting my own feelings on somebody else, lame ass title, no Matt and Aron sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-31
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:15:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 32,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23412199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Jorel tries to cope with himself, George just wants to be a good friend, Danny is an angel (not literally), Charlie and Dylan are responsible for entertainment. They are all on tour and Jorel fights with his emotions. Hopefully he comes out as the winner.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 22





	1. Chocolate and a talk

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first fic ever. I used the time in quarantine to write something. Can't see my boyfriend or friends that's why I projected my feelings on to Jorel to cope with them. Good luck with that buddy. English is not my first language so expect some mistakes. Have fun reading!

Jorel was putting one of his favourite shirts in his bag together with a pair of pants, jacket, his vans, boxers, socks. Everything one need to have when beeing a few weeks away from home. He looked through his closet in case he forgot something but with all the chaos going on in there it was impossible to find anything. He then rummaged through his nightstand where he pulled his notebook out. In there where all the lyrics he wrote for the band but he also used it as a diary because he could write the best texts when thinking about his experiences and feelings. Beside his notebook lay a single razor blade. Jorel took it in his hands, considering if he should pack it too or if it was better to leave it here. After pondering about it he wraps the blade in a tissue and put it in a small side pocket of his backpack.

„Jorel are you finished packing? We have to go, the car is here to pick us up.“ he heard George shouting from the living room, impatience clearly audible in his voice.

„Just a minute“ Jorel shouted back and took a last look around his room, ticking off a list in his head.

He grabbed a sweater and pulled it on, grabbed his bag and backpack and got out of his room, ready to go.

„Are you sick? Cause its 80°F (27°C) outside.“ asked George as he saw Jorel coming. He was confused as to why Jorel decided to wear his favourite sweater now, he could have packed it in his bag if he wanted it with him. But now wasn‘t the time to speculate about Jorels behaviour, they were short on time.

„Yeah just a bit cold but all good, nevermind.“

„Okay then let‘s go. Charlie called, he and Dylan are already there and Danny is on his way so we are the last ones.“ George said as he made his way out of their shared home.

Jorel and George lived together since George has finished shool and Jorel was back from bootcamp, where his parents had sent him after he slipped into gang life of LA. Jorel found it was the coolest thing back then to be in a gang, walking around with weapons, trying to look intimidating. But he was glad of his parents decision, he can see that now.  
Fortunately both of them found a job but their pay was so little that they had to think twice before buying food, most of the money went over to their landlord and well a little bit maybe was used to aquire drugs. When they were producing their first album, only the one who had to record that day could had the luxury of eating. Now after the release of their second album their situation was a bit better but they were far away from beeing famous and rich musicians, who could live in big mansions.

The two of them got in the car managment sent them and got on their way to the rest of their band.

„Man I am stoked for this tour. This album is so good the fans will love hearing it live. What do you think?“ George asked as he typed something on his phone. Probably texting with Asia Jorel concluded as he saw George smiling. They have met a few months prior and were inseparable since. Well except for this tour.

„Yes it‘s good to be out again. I always love performing. Missed it a bit.“ Jorel answered.

The rest of the ride was silent. But as they pulled up in a parking lot they could hear Charlie, Danny and Dylan goofing around. Dylan was telling them about last night where he got high as usual and when he woke up this morning his apartment was so clean, he had to be up all night cleaning every surface but he had no memorie of it. He concluded it must have been friendly ghosts. The other two laughed at that statement and looked up when Jorel and George got out of the car. 

„Hey long time no see“ Charlie said as he gave both of them a hug. 

„Dude we were on a party together TWO days ago. Don‘t remember?“ Asked a confused George.

„We were? I think I drank too much, can‘t remember a thing what I did the last two days. Management is happy enough that I remembered tour starting today.“ was Charlies answer.

After a good laugh all of them put their luggage in the trailer and got inside their tour bus. It‘s not long before they start driving.

„Look at our new tour bus it‘s huge. So much more room to do shit.“ Dylan said as they all had a look inside the bus. When they got upstairs everyone shouted „I want that one!“ as they reached the bunk beds. Except for George and Charlie everyone got inside a seperate one but the two of them reached inside the same bunk. George just pulled Charlie out at his feet and glared at him until Charlie gave in and got himself a lower bunk.

„Thats ridiculous. No one stands a chance against you. Really unfair and now I have to sleep this low.“ Exclaimed Charlie.

„Looks like you are the bitch this tour. Look out.“ Is all Danny said as they all attend to their stuff and getting their place ready. George took a book out of his backpack, Dylan stuffed his stash of weed under his pillow, Danny hang a picture of his wife and daughter up, Charlie already got his laptop out and Jorel layed his notebook and earbuds in his bunk.

„Hey Jorel you want to play some Call of Duty with me?“ Dylan asked his bandmate, game already in his hand.

„No I just want to lay down and relax, sorry bud“

The rest of the bandmembers are looking at themselves unbelieving what they just heard. Jorel turning down a gaming session? He was the biggest nerd out of all of them. Always playing on his gameboy when not writing music. There was an instance where Charlie wanted to buy pills at 2 am in the morning and when he was let in by their dealer he saw Jorel sitting at the table playing magic cards with him and another dude. Charlie couldn‘t tell who was more busted. 

„Come on I will play with you. Lets get down.“ Carlie said and he and Dylan disapeared downstairs.

George looked a little longer at Jorel as his bandmate got himself comfy in his bunk, putting his earbuds in and blasting some metal. Then he took his notebook and started scribbling, fading out the rest of the world. George knew that he only does that when he got in his head again, thinking too much about the world and everyting. Looking at Danny he just shrugged and started reading.

Danny was a little perplexed too. Normally they were all super energetic at the start of the tour. Ready to prank someone or get shitfaced or even just doing a horror movie marathon. Maybe it‘s just the nerves he thinks before going down and watching Dylan defeat Charlie in their game.

As the day progressed it became obvious that Jorel was not coming down and participating. It got time for dinner and Danny started on cooking something. George was calling his girlfriend and Dylan and Charlie were playing a card game but the rules were obscure for everyone else. Sometimes it seemed the two shared one brain, that would explain the stupidity that came out of them on some days.

„Can someone call Jorel, food is almost ready.“ Danny asked into the room to no one in particular.

Dylan stood up from his place, card game now forgotten in perspective of getting food. „Gimme a second.“

Going up the bus and reaching Jorels bunk, Dylan pulled the curtain aside, startling Jorel, who still got his loud music playing.

„Sorry man. Wanna eat? Danny is almost finished.“

Jorel, whose heart was still racing, needed a few seconds to respond. „Sounds good. I‘m coming in a minute. You can start without me.“ Jorel said and pulled the curtain back as Dylan got back to the kitchen/sitting place.

Fuck, Jorel thought the second Dylan was gone. Almost saw my arm. Jorel pulled his sleeve up and inspected his left arm. He was putting lotion on his skin, before Dylan interrupted him, to help his scars healing. His tattoos helped a bit to hide them but the white lines were still visible against his skin, some more red and angry looking. After he was done, he felt his stomach growling. Time to eat he thought.

Everyone else had already started digging in when Jorel sat down with his own plate. Even if he felt hungry before, now he could only stare at the food on his plate. He knew that Danny was an excellent cook but only the thought of eating all that right now exhausted him. He started to pick on his food with a fork, trying to force himself to get maybe a little bite into his mouth.

„What would we do without you Danny. You are the best cook.“ Charlie said as he shoveled a big portion in his mouth, sauce dripping down his chin but that didn‘t seem to bother him.

„You would starve and die that would happen. Hey Jorel nice to see you are still alive. Everything good, you seemed a bit worn out earlier?“

„Yeah all good. Thanks for cooking.“ Jorel answered, avoiding Dannys worried eyes looking at him.

After that they talked about their first concert. It would be tomorrow but it wouldn‘t be a big one, because it‘s their first show in that city and managament wasn‘t sure how many people would come, so they booked a smaller venue. Nevertheless every member was hyped to perform again. That was part of their lifes now and they loved it. They always wanted it.

Just George noticed how Jorel was the only one not participitating in their conversation but rather just eating. Or more likely picking around in it. When everyone finished they got up and sat down in the movie booth.

Charlie was searching through their stack of DVDs and asked „Hey guys, what do you wanna watch?“

„Some action movie? Not in the mood for horror.“ Danny answered.

After they all had a comfortable place to sit they started watching Jurassic Park, Dylan had made popcorn for everyone. Jorel sat between George and Danny on the couch. A few minutes into the film he put his head on Georges shoulder, feeling tired and tried surpressing a yawn. In the middle of the film George looked down to see that Jorel had fallen asleep. He knew that Jorel had problems with sleeping through the whole night sometimes so he tried to sit still, so not to wake his bandmember. At the end of the film even Danny was asleep on the couch, almost falling of.

„Man we are not getting younger are we?“ stated Charlie as he looked over to them.

„He has a daughter what do you think, his homelife is pretty hectic, he deserves some sleep. Hey Dylan can you put Danny in his bunk? I will carry Jorel.“ George asked Dylan who layed sprawled out on the floor, covered in remains of popcon.

Putting Jorel into his bunk was an easy task because Jorel was a ligthweight and because George got strong as fuck since he started working out regularly. He tried to remove Jorels sweater so that he wouldn‘t be too hot when sleeping as he saw the marks on Jorels arms. Barely noticable against his black tattos. Oh no not again, George thought, he told me he didn‘t do that anymore. I thought he got better. He even told me that he got over it. George got angry with himself for not noticing that Jorel started cutting himself again. He remembered how he found out the first time.  
____________________  
„Jorel? I am home! Got a bonus at work and brought us something to eat!“ George shouted into their apartement but no one answered and he couldn‘ hear Jorel anywhere.

Jorel is probably still at work. With that thought he got into the kitchen and placed his purchase into the fridge. He would prepare them something to eat when Jorel gets home. Got nothing to do, could use the chance and borrow Jorels game of Zelda. George walked into the direction of Jorels room, opened the door and froze.

„Jorel?! What are you doing?“ Disbelieving with what he saw he couldn‘t move for a moment.

„George! It‘s not what it looks like. I swear. It‘s nothing.“ Jorel sat on his bed and frantically tried to hide the razor behind his back but George rushed towards him, grabbed his arm and tore away the razor blade, throwing it away from them.

„Nothing? Jorel look at yourself, you are bleeding and you did that yourself, how can you do that and say it‘s nothing? Oh my god how long is that already going on? Okay, wait, come on I will help you clean up and then we talk.“ George said after regaining some of his composure and pushed Jorel into the bathrom, placing him onto the toilet lid, where he sat slumped into himself. He opened the cabinet and took out something to disinfect and gauze. As he started working on Jorels cuts he couldn‘t help but notice the faint white lines. So it‘s been going on a while. But he didn‘t say anything, waiting for Jorel to start. The silence irritated him, because otherwise it was always loud in this household, that‘s why he startled a bit as he heard Jorels quite voice.

„George I am so so sorry. Really, I don‘t know what I was doing. I am so sorry“ Jorel choked out. There were still tears coming down his face, but he also felt angry because he let himself be caught. He was ashamed to be caught midway, there was no way he could talk himself out of this.

„You know that you can tell me everything. Why didn‘t you come to me? You were always there for me, you should know by now that I would do the same. If I knew that you were not feeling good I would have done something to help.“

„I don‘t know. I was scared, I think. That you would laugh at me because I‘m so dumb for doing this. I have these thoughts all the time and then I can‘t sleep and they won‘t stop and then I am spiraling into this mess and I don‘t even know how it started I just did it and kept going. Then I was scared that you would be angry with me or that you would all hate me for being so exhausting and I couldn‘t tell anyone, I was too embarrassed.“ 

When Jorel finished rambling George pulled him into a tight hug, stroking his hair. He couldn‘t stand seeing his bandmember like this. He would do anything to pull him out of this mess.

„I would never hate you Jorel. Remember that, please. I love you, you are my best friend. I don‘t want to lose you. Come one, let‘s take this to the couch. We can watch something and you tell me more about these thoughts you have, okay?“ George proposed and lifted Jorel up from the toilet lid.

They were talking all night, eating chocolate and watching a random sitcom until Jorel fell asleep in Georges lap.  
____________________  
George blinked a few times with his eyes as he shoved that memory back into his mind. He pulled a blanket over Jorel, looked at him once more and closed the curtains. Sad and angry he got ready to sleep. What else was he supposed to do right now.


	2. First concert and an interview

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also thank you to the people who post under the Hollywood Undead tag on tumblr. They gave me great ideas for the dialogues.

„Whose turn is it to give the pep talk?“ Jorel asked into the round.

„It‘s Johnnys“ Danny answered with a sigh.

George got up on one of the platforms at the front of the stage, led the microphone to his mouth and said: „Fuck shit up out here, but don‘t die. Thank you for coming to my pep talk guys.“

„Man that was fucking inspirational“ Charlie said while indicating to wipe a tear from his eye.

„Okay guys, people will be let in in 5 minutes, so get ready. We start in 30 minutes“ One guy from the tour crew said to them, leaving right after to prepare the last things needed for their show.

„Enough time for a beer or two right?“ Charlie said as he led them to their room. 

Drinking, and singing to random songs to get into the mood, the band got ready and hyped to perform. The crowd knew every text to every song they were playing, jumping and doing a mosh pit. The guys had a blast on stage and as the show came to an end they were all sweaty but happy that their first show was a great success.

„Okay who wants to go to a bar and have some more fun?“ Dylan asked the rest of the band as they all changed into new shirts. All of them are bursting of energy after a show, content with their performance and they agree to go to a bar nearby.

„Maybe there is a girl waiting for me tonight. Has been too long since I tasted a wonderful mouth of a beautiful female creature.“ Charlie said with a dreamy look.

„What are you talking about? Are you drunk already? Naming them female creatures won‘t get you near a single woman on earth.“ George said as they entered a bar, already full with drunk and loud laughing people. But that‘s good, that way they won‘t attract attention, or so they hoped. They could get really roudy, dancing on the bar after one to many.

„First round is on me“ Jorel shouted at them as he ordered everyone one shot and for himself two. When they all swallowed their alcohol, Jorel ordered a beer, Danny got a fancy cocktail, George ordered himself something to eat and Dylan and Charlie were on their way to the dancing area.

Jorel, George and Danny made themselves comfortable in a booth where they talked about everything and nothing as time got by.

„Oh my god I can‘t believe what my eyes are seeing. Charlie has his tongue in someones throat. Ew, I want to erase that picture.“ George said, pointing out to Charlie standing in a corner with a woman in very revealing clothes.

„How did he even do that. I saw his dancing skills, how can any woman be impressed by that?“ Was Dannys answer, when Charlie came to their table, woman standing behind him and looking at them with her big eyes. Maybe she hoped another one from the band would follow them, Jorel thought.

„Yo guys, as you can see I got lucky tonight. We are going to hers so don‘t bother searching for me later. Bye losers.“ was all Charlie said with a smirk as he was leaving, woman in tow.

„Well at least one of us will be happy tonight but I need another drink to forget what I saw.“ Jorel said and stood up to stagger to the bar. He returned with a drink and three more shots.

„Hey where is Dylan by the way?“ Danny asked after drowning his shot.

„Oh shit, haven‘t seen him in a while. I will take a look around the bar, stay here incase he finds you.“ George got up and left for the dancing area, hoping to find Dylan grinding on some woman.

A few minutes later he returned with Dylan on his side, who looked like someone slapped him across the face.

„Found him in one of the toilet stalls, asleep and drooling on himself. Can‘t leave him for a second, like a kid, but more like a big, hairy kid.“

„Maybe it‘s time to leave. Feeling bit sleepy too.“ Danny proposed and everyone agreed. 

„Danny can you take Dylan? I think I had too much to be walking straight myself.“ George requested and handed over Dylan for Danny to take. As Jorel and George were walking side by side, Danny and Dylan were a close distance behind them.

„Hey Jorel can I ask you something?“ The alcohol George drank, gave him enough courage to confront Jorel. Better now than never he thought.

„Yes what‘s up?“

„I put you to bed yesterday because I didn‘t want to wake you and I saw something on your arm. Are you okay? I mean you told me you got better and that is nice if that is the case but you know how you can tell me eveything? I just want to make sure that you know you don‘t have to take on everything alone.“

„Oh my god George, are you my mother? You don‘t have to bother me every minute to ask how I am feeling. I. Am. Okay! There is nothing wrong with me, how often do I have to tell you?“ Jorel shouted at George, speech a bit slurred.

„That was not what I meant, sorry. I was just -“

„Just leave it, okay? I just want to go to bed.“ was all Jorel said, storming away. He was the first to reach the bus and was already in his bunk when George got upstairs. His curtains were closed and George didn‘t want to fight with his best friend, so he let him be for now. Maybe they could talk tomorrow when there was no alcohol flowing in their systems. Especially George and sometimes also Jorel could get angry when drinking too much and were prone to start fights. It probably was not the right time to try to talk with him he realised, but too late now. He already did the damage.

„Dylan is in his bunk. Are you okay? I heard Jorel shouting at you.“ Danny sneaked up on him and asked him while trying to be quite.

„Yeah no worries, probably just stress. Good night Danny.“

Next morning George was the first to be up. He was usually the first to be awake followed by Danny and Jorel, then Dylan a bit later and Charlie around midday, depending how long they stayed awake. He prepared three cups of coffee and made toast in case the next two were up soon. He made use of his alone time and dialed his girlfriends number.  
As they were talking Danny was coming downstairs, taking one of the cups and a toast, munching on it because the coffee was still too hot for him. He was making himself cereal because he was still hungry when Jorel came into the kitchen, looking at George with a sour look on his face before sitting down with his cup. Jorel couldn‘t be angry at his best friend for long, especially if he made him coffee every morning but right now he didn‘t wanted to talk.

„Morning. Slept badly? You look like something crawled across your liver.“ Danny asked, eating his cereal.

„Maybe too much alcohol.“

„Maybe. Anything up for today?“

„An interview I think in the afternoon. Enough time for Charlie to show up here.“ Jorel said with sleep in his voice, sipping his coffee. He was not ready to face the day before he took the first sip. How can people function that early? Okay it was already midday but the question still stands.

„Holy shit, oh my god AH!“

„What the fuck George you knocked over my cereal bowl!“ Danny said in anger. He tried to contain the spilled milk with kitchen towels.

„Oh god sorry I thought there was a spider.“ Fear still audible in Georges voice.

„You are afraid of spiders?! You could crush hundreds of them with your fist. Even my daughter is not frightened by them.“ Danny laughed, not believing what just happened.

„Oh yeah he is so scared. He has to call me everytime when one got into his room, like the little girl he is.“ Jorel could just laugh along with Danny, his mood lightened up.

„Okay make fun of me all you want, I am going to work out. You know train my muscles, something you two have never heard of.“ George said, going upstairs to use his dumbbells, hoping he could recover from that incident without constant teasing from the two.

After that spider incident it got quit in the bus with Dylan still sleeping and Charlie not present to entertain them with his stupid and most of the time not even funny jokes. Danny skyped with his daughter and Jorel took his notebook out, trying to come up with new texts. Just because they are on tour doesn‘t mean they don‘t put together new songs. Sometimes they even record singles on tour to save time back at home they then can use otherwise. 

Just as Dylan came down, rubbing his eyes, the door to their bus was pushed open, revealing Charlie with a big grin plastered on his face.

„Guys you won‘t believe how wonderful my night was. Damn she got that moves going, I think I haven‘t slept a single minute.“ Charlie said, plopping down next to Danny.

„We are very happy for you but please no more information I don‘t want a picture of your naked ass in my head.“ Dylan said but grinning with Charlie.

„I don‘t mind a picture of her sweet ass on my mind.“ Charlie countered.

„Listen guys you got 15 minutes then we will head to your interview so be punctual you need that interview to boost your notoriety and please don‘t reveal so many stories about drinking and drugs okay?“ Tom one guy from their management team said, leaving the bus after giving his little speech.

„Tom can lick my balls, I talk about what I want. We already postponed this album to find a label that won‘t censor our songs and now they try that with us in interviews?“ Charlies grin turned into a frown but he got up quickly to throw on some fresh clothes.

To everyone‘s astonisment all band members were out the bus 15 minutes later, ready to go. The interview would be aired live on radio with intermissions of their new songs. The host, named Rover, greeted them all with a beer, which made him an angel in the minds of the band. He was really laid back and let the members talk, interrupting only with a question of his own but going with the flow. Danny and Funnyman weren‘t that talkative, it were mostly Jorel, George and Charlie who took the mic. The last question was from a fan and he asked if the heavier and more serious subjects from their deeper songs apply to them personally or if it‘s just made up.

Charlie took the mic and began to explain: „Not everything of course but most of the stuff we sing about is from our personal experiences. It is easier to gather material from your own life because it‘s really hard to write about something you have no idea about, especially feelings you never experienced. We all had a different childhood, growing up in LA so we can bring in different knowledge. Me and Funnyman mostly write the party smasher but I also wrote Bullett. George really is in line with that whole feelings stuff, same as Jorel. So yeah we try to keep it real.“ 

„Thank you for that explanation Charlie and with that we say goodbye to Hollywood Undead. Have a fun evening guys and have a successful tour.“ Rover finished the interview.

The band got back to their bus, content with how the interview went.

„They got good questions. Not the same old ass questions about how we got together or why we wear masks. Does anyone want some more beer?“ Jorel asked all of them.  
Of course they all approved of more beer as they gathered into their booth, watching basketball. George and Charlie got into a fight about what team was better and why the other talked absolute shit. Dylan lit a joint for himself but was willing to share with Jorel and Danny was the only one who was really concentrated on the game. He could never do this at home when his daughter distracted him everytime, asking him what‘s happening.

Dylan lay stretched out on the couch when he abruptly lifted his head. „I think the weeds kicking in.“

„Oh yeah what makes you think that?“ Charlie asked back.  
„I just saw a cow.“

„Okay and whats your fucking point?“

„We are in a tour bus Charlie?“ George chimed in with a look on his face that reads likes why are you acting so dumb again Charlie.

„Yeah that makes sense. Should drink more then my statements wouldn‘t be taken so seriously.“ And with that Charlie got up to fetch them some whiskey. What was a fun evening without alcohol to help make it even better.

As everyone of them got slightly more drunk, Jorel decided it was time to go to bed. Without saying good night he vanished into the bunk compartment. They wouldn‘t notice me leaving even if I said something he thought and crawled into his bunk, changing into his sleep shirt. He tried to keep his mind blank or at least count some sheep but all he could think about was him beeing a failure in every matter. He had no girlfriend, no new friends. Just the same old friends who probably will get tired of him soon. Everyone of them could sing his part he is not special. Someone else can write songs. All of them can play guitarr. He attributed nothing to the band so why was he here with them on this bus. He definetly didn‘t deserve this. The thoughts were spiraling in his mind until he drifted into a light sleep.

Just a few minutes later George stumbled in to check if Jorel got sick or something because he just vanished. When he found him asleep, he was satisfied with what he saw and left him be to get into his own bunk. One after another everyone got more or less quite in their bed, Dylan tripped over his own feet almost falling into Georges bunk, earning him a growl from said man. But he was lucky that George was to tired to scold him or worse, so Dylan just crawled in his bed.


	3. bar fight

Trying to have a real conversation with Jorel turned out to be difficult. Almost every night they had a concert now. Drinking or partying afterwards, sleeping till midday the day after and then repeat. Between waking up with help of too much coffee and having to get ready for their show there was almost no time for a one on one talk. All of them were together for the most part.

The next opportunity came to George a week later. He thought he was the first to be up as usual but as he got downstairs he saw Jorel in their kitchen, listening to music and sipping on his cup of coffee. Jorel looked up when George came into his field of view but tried to look away fast when he recognized who it was.

„Come on J don‘t ignore me please. I didn‘t want to pressure you to anything. I just wanted a talk with you but it was maybe not the right time, sorry.“ He wasn‘t sure if Jorel could hear him through the headphones, because he showed no reaction. George turned around to pour himself coffee when Jorel finally spoke up.

„No it wasn‘t. But I‘m sorry too. Didn‘t want to explode on you.“ Jorel said with an apoligizing look on his face.

„Yeah that was not cool. Is now maybe the right time or I mean I don‘t want to get on your nerves I just want to make sure, you know, that you are doing okay.“ George asked him with a hopeful smile.

„Okay.“ Jorel said after a few seconds passed. „But not here. I don‘t want anyone to eavesdrop. Let‘s get something for breakfast and talk on the way.“

The two of them got out of the bus, George searching on his phone for a good bakery. He wanted to treat the other members with some good pastries.

„There is a nice little bakery 10 minutes from here let‘s go there.“ George said, leading the way.

A few minutes passed, before Jorel raised his voice. He could tell Jorel was nervous, he saw him chewing on his fingernails. „I know you are waiting for me to say something. But I don‘t know what to tell you. Maybe that I am embarrassed because you have to look after me. And I‘m ashamed for slipping up and doing the same old shit I promised you not to do anymore. It feels like I betrayed you and I couldn‘t face you so I didn‘t say anything. I know I‘m exhausting, sorry.“ 

„You don‘t have to apologize, I can imagine it‘s hard. I can‘t stand seeing you so unhappy and knowing you take it out on youself. What made you start again?“ George was curious as to why Jorel fell into that hole again.

„I don‘t really know. After I told you that I stopped cutting, there were slip ups but nothing bad. It wasn‘t a problem till this year started. There was no major thing happening, I just felt worse and worse. I couldn‘t sleep again and that made me even more exhausted. Releasing the new album kept me occupied but not enough to cancel out my thoughts alltogether. I really don‘t know, I fucked up I guess, sorry again.“ Guilt was all Jorel could feel at the moment. Because he pulled down his best mate with him, destroying the good time they supposed to have right now.

„Is there nothing you could do instead? I mean I have no idea how that helps you and all, it seems abstract to me that you hurt yourself because you are hurt. It just makes your problems even bigger, because you think you have to hide it from me and everyone else. Can we make a deal? When you have the urge to hurt yourself you come to me? Or text me? You don‘t have to say anything else and I will try to distract you until you feel better. What do you say?“ George was proud of himself for coming up with that idea. He would drop everything he was doing right now, just for the prospect of Jorel feeling better with himself.

„I can try but I can‘t promise you anything, sorry, no not sorry argh I can‘t help it I have to apoligize. Thank you George, you really are the best. This walk already helped me“ Feeling his mood lighten, he gave George a big smile to thank him. He could atleast try to stay clean this time, he owes it to George for trying. He had to show George, that he was not as fucked up as it seems.

„It‘s okay. The bakery is over there. Let‘s see what they have.“ With that they entered the little shop and brought something for every member.   
On their walk back they talked about Asia. Apparently she had something big to tell George but had no time until later that day to call him. George of course was nervous, he didn‘t know if it‘s good or bad news and he hated waiting, he wasn‘t known for his patience. When they were back on the bus he tried to distract himself with eating their pastries and his new book.

„Shakespeare? Really George? If someone saw you reading that, they wouldn‘t believe you a line you sing.“ Jorel mocked his friend.

„Well someone has to increase the intellect here and you wouldn‘t pass that task on to Dylan or Charlie, would you?“ George contered with a witty smirk on his face.

„Oh my god. You brought food? I love you guys!“ A up and down jumping Dylan appeared in the kitchen, looking at what they brought and trying to give Jorel and George a kiss on the cheek. But he only succeeded with the first, George hold him at an arm length away from him.

„What do I hear about food? Best antidote for a hangover I would say.“ Danny was awake now too, grabbing his piece and sitting down next to Dylan, who was almost finished and threw a look onto Dannys slice.

„Is something planned for today? We are free tonight right?“ Danny asked no one in particular.

„I‘m in for a relaxed day. Play some Zelda and writing text.“ Jorel replied. The little talk in the morning and the promis to improve was tiring for him. 

Dylan talked still with food in his mouth, whereupon George pulled a disgusting face. „Since we are not driving today, I thought I would go get another tattoo.“

„Oh can I come with you? I want something for my daughter.“ Danny asked his bandmate.

„Yeah we can arrange a tattoo date, that‘s going to be lit.“

After breakfast, Jorel dissapeared into his bunk, Danny and Dylan were going on their little „date“ and George was watching baseball with Charlie, who was not ready to function yet. Baseball was the only sport George was serious about so he was happy that Charlie was in no state to get on his nerves. 

„Oh shit it‘s 4 pm already? Asia is gonna call soon. I will take that call outside.“

„Good luck. I could check out what Jorel is up to.“ In a way, opposite of elegance, Charlie got up from the couch and dragged himself to their bunks. Without announcement he drew the courtain open and made himself comfortable in Jorels bunk with heavy complaining on Jorels side.

„Shut up, there is enough space for two of us. What were you doing?“

„I came up with a new verse. You wanna hear?“ Jorel showed Charlie a page in his notebook.

„Sure.“

„I can't see because I'm staring at a blank wall  
I can't breathe because my fucking thoughts are choking me now  
I can't grieve for the souls that are so lost  
I can't leave because my fucking self is holding me down  
Imagine cold hands up to your throat  
The thought alone makes you swallow your hope  
And now it's harder to cope and I don't know where I'll go  
These fallacies, I don't believe in fear that nobody knows 

And for the chorus I thought something along the lines of:

As I look up from the ground, I see darkness all around  
And I'm lost but can be found inside my mind, goodbye 

But I‘m not sure yet if that‘s good enough.“

„Are you for real? That shit sounds awesome. A whole verse and a chorus already. We should show it George maybe he has an idea for a second verse. What do you think about melody? Something in mind?“ Charlie was debating with Jorel which key would fit best with the tone of the song when they heard a shout from outside. Startled from the loud noise, Charlie bumped his head on the bunk above with a loud thud.

„Motherfucker, what was that?“ he asked angrily, rubbing his head but Jorel could not tell either. But they didn‘t have to wait long, as George came up the stairs, almost running.

„GUYS! Oh my god! You won‘t believe it. Asia is pregnant. We are gonna have a baby, I can‘t even believe it myself. Ha I don‘t know what to say.“ George was rambling but looking rather ecstatic.

„That sounds awesome. We are happy for you. So that‘s what she wanted to tell you?“ Jorel was equally ecxited and climbed out of his bed to give his friend a big hug, Charlie participating.

„Yes. She had an appointement with her doctor today, that‘s why she couldn‘t call earlier but she wanted to be sure before telling me. She told me she was so nervous to tell me, because we never talked about children and we are in a fresh new relationship. But I couldn‘t be happier, for real.“

„If you told me 5 years ago that George would be the first of us to get a child I would have laughed in your face. Man I am happy for you too.“ 

„We should celebrate that tonight. I will write Danny and Dylan, they can meet us at the club.“ George and Charlie both agreed to Jorels suggestion, they were ready for a party and to leave behind last week, which was very demanding and exhausted them all.

The rest of the day they reminisced what they archieved so far, how they met, their childhood and what could lie ahead of them. Right now they felt nothing but satisfaction in their bubble of memories.  
On their way to the club they treated themselves to some fast food, with Danny not there to cook. Danny and Dylan were already at the front when the three came around the corner. 

„Welcome in the club of fatherhood. You have no idea what‘s coming up to you, but I assure you it will be the best thing happening to you.“ Danny gave George a clap on the back and then a hug. 

Dylan came up to them and was also congratulating him: „Dude I‘m stoked. Finally someone who will find my jokes funny.“

„Please don‘t corrupt my child before it‘s even born.“ Laughing, they entered the club, first making stop at the bar to start out the night the right way. That means with enough alcohol that they wouldn‘t be walking straight. This time they could all be found dancing, everyone with their own style. Danny was rather succesful but had to turn down the few girls that tried to dance with him, he was faithful to his wife. That turned out good for Jorel, who had nothing against a woman grinding on him. Dylan was already standing in a dark corner, making out.   
Later they found themselves, apart from Dylan who was nowhere to be found, in a booth, refreshing with more alcohol.

„Hey George, you want something too?“ Jorel showed him a bag with some pills in it.

„You know I‘m trying to quit. I will stick to alcohol tonight, but help yourself.“ 

Truth is, since George ended his coke era, he couldn‘t help but feel uneasy with the way Jorel seemed to self medicate. Sure, Dylan was high almost 24/7 and Charlie was drunk most of the time and payed their dealer visits too but Jorel did everything. Even besides their partying time. But George didn‘t want to say something today, they were out to celebrate and he didn‘t want play mother hen right now.

„Well more for me. Danny you wanna take a smoke outside?“ Cigarettes already in his hands and pills in his system, he made his way out of the club with Danny. He could feel the alcohol big times, almost to the point of feeling nauseous, but a smoke would help him he hoped.

„You have a lighter with you? I think Dylan got mine.“ Danny asked, cigarette in his mouth, waiting.

„Sure, here.“

For a few moments, the two of them stood in silence, just smoking and looking around the street. They didn‘t notice the man who was walking straight to them. Without slowing down and without a warning or so whatsover he slapped Jorel across his face, cigarette falling to the ground.

„What the fu-“

„You‘re the guy who danced with my girl! Who do you think you are huh? Making out with women from other guys.“ Fists closed, the furious looking guy accused Jorel of cheating with his girlfriend.

„Well maybe if you could give it to her the right way, she wouldn‘t have to seek it with guys like me but seems to me as-“ Jorel couldn‘t finish his sentence because the guy threw a punch his way but Jorel did foresee the movement and was faster and grabbed his fist, making the guy stumble. He used the chance to kick him near his stomach, the guy had to bend over and coughed loudly.  
Jorel then felt a hand on his shoulder but couldn‘t react fast enough, he was spun around and punched right in his face this time. He could feel the blood run out of his nose, over his mouth and then dripping on the floor. But he wasted no time to rest and shoved the new guy in front of him, throwing a punch and succeeding on hitting him on the cheek and then kicking him in the stomach. He then turned around to see what the first guy was up to, feeling pure hatred now and seeing red. He wanted to show them that they started the fight with the wrong guy. What he couldn‘t see was that the second guy got up rather quickly and found an empty bottle lying around. He already took a swing, when Danny stepped out with George, who grabbed the bottle in a matter of seconds. 

„Okay guys time to go home to mommy. We don‘t want anyone to get injured, right?“

Upon seeing the outline of Georges body, the two guys realised they were outnumbered and couldn‘t compete with his strength and ran away.

„How are you J? Danny ran up to me and told me some guy accused you of getting it on with his girl. Is your nose broken?“ George tried to insepct Jorels nose, but he swatted his hands away.

„I‘m okay! It‘s just bleeding. Can we just get back to the bus please?“ Jorel was still furious, he could deal with two guys just fine, he didn‘t need help.

The walk back was silent, no one said something. Danny and George could feel Jorels anger radiating from him and thought it was better to leave him alone till he calmed down. They didn‘t want another fight this night.  
When they entered the bus, Charlie was already sitting in the kitchen, bottle of vodka in one hand and cigarette in the other.

„Since when are you here? We looked for you but you were nowhere to be found.“ Danny asked his bandmate.

„Used the chance and brought a girl here. It‘s easier when no one is here and you don‘t have to be quite. Shit what happened to Jorel? I can see a black eye blooming, what did you do this time?“ Charlie knew that Jorel and George would get in fights here an there especially after a night out. They were always some guys who tried to get in their way, hating on them or their band in an attempt to look tough.

„Story for another day.“ Danny said to Charlie and then to Jorel: „ We should get you in the bathroom and clean your face. See if everythings really okay. You should get out of your sweater too there is blood on it. “ Danny was already leading the way upstairs but Jorel passed him on the stairs and growled that he could do it alone, no need to waste their time on him.

When they heard the bathroom door cklick, they just stared at each other awkwardly, no idea how to approach the situation. It was George who broke the silence. 

„Right. I will wait for Jorel to make sure he is okay.“ 

Sitting on the couch, scrolling through his phone, George waited for Jorel to finnish. He could hear Danny and Charlie talking downstairs and laughing. They were probably talking about Charlies conquest of the night.  
When he heard the bathroom door open, he looked up to see Jorels naked upper body, bloody sweater in his hand. He seemed surprised to find George waiting for him, he thought his friend would be pissed at him.

„Sorry for ruining your night. I will make it up to you somehow.“ Jorel said, his head hanging low, he didn‘t want to look George in the eye.

„You didn‘t ruin anything, what are you talking about? We had a fun night out, it wasn‘t your fault that some guy decided to start a fight with you, that was rather stupid of him if you ask me. We all had fun, relax. You want some tea to calm down?“ George was already heading down when Jorel decided to follow. But first he had to throw on a new jumper.

A cup of tea was already waiting for him on the table when Jorel approached his three bandmates. Comforted that no one was upset with him, he plopped down next to Danny.  
A crash made everyone jump. When they looked around they saw Dylan climbing through one of the windows.

„Dude what the fuck? It‘s three AM, why are you climbin through a window and where have you been?“ George asked his bandmate when named one fell on the floor, dusting himself off when he stood up.

„The door was locked and I planned to say with Jorel but as I can see he is here. Well I‘m going to bed. Night guys.“ With that Dylan turned around on his heels and left the rest of the band perplexed at what just happened.

„Okay I had enough of today, I think it‘s better when I go to bed too.“ After Georges statement everyone could feel the tiredness setting in and they made their way to bed.


	4. not a good night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To this day I just wrote this 4 chapters. But more are coming soon because I have way too much time. University had to cancel a practical training so I'm bored as hell.

It was two days later, they had played another successful show, went to a bar after and called it a night at roughly 4 am. Everyone was tight asleep, well everyone but Jorel. He could still feel the alcohol, making his head spin but leaving his body light like being afloat high up on a cloud. But it was something else that left him awake, his thoughts were shooting through his mind, not able to pause for the tiredness that brought Jorel to bed. Replaying the evening in his head, he couldn‘t deny the fun he had with the band, laughing all night long but that could have also been the drugs he took if he thought about it. Another feeling settled deep in his bones and radiated through his whole body, a feeling that swallowed the happiness he felt the last days. It pulled him down to earth, contrary to the alcohol still in his system. It made him worn out but at the same time gave him no chance to sleep as it made his thoughts go havoc.  
Unlocking his phone to look at the time, he realised that it was already 7 am and there was still no sleep in sight. The sun was probaybly already out and dipped the earth in light colours. He wished it was still night and had more time to sleep but all his mind threw at him was what a failure Jorel was. Not a new concept for him but nevertheless made him feel like shit.   
30 minutes later and Jorel couldn‘t take it anymore. He had to free his mind of all this thoughts, he had to numb this all somehow. Well, he knew how. Rummaging through his backpack, he closed his fist around the razor when he found it and made his way to the bathroom. Closing the door as quitly as possible as to not wake one of his friends. When he saw himself in their little mirror above the sink he could feel and also see the tiredness in form of bags under his eyes. His black eye didn‘t look pretty either. Jorel looked away, he didn‘t want to pity himself.   
He was only wearing a shirt for bed, so he didn‘t have to pull a sleeve up, he could directly see the faint white lines but also the newer redder ones. He added another line on his left forearm near his elbow. And a second, and then a third. The little blood that was pouring out of the cuts was hypnotizing him, the pain distracting him from everything that kept him awake. He already felt himself relaxing. The cold water on his arm, to clean the cuts, pulled him out of his bubble and he could now hear light steps coming his way.  
Quickly hiding the razor in the pocket of his sweatpants and making sure that there was no blood left, he stepped out of the bathroom to face a confused Danny.

„Jorel? Why are you up at this time?“ There was still sleep audible in his voice.

„Just had to take a piss. What are you up to?“ He was trying to hide his arm behind his back, but that resulted in the cuts rubbing against his back and making him wince a little.

„Feeling a bit nauseous from the tequila. Are you alright?“ Now concerned, Danny made a step in Jorels direction, who then took a step away from Danny, which made the blond one suspicous.

„What are you hiding behind your back? Come on, let me see.“

„No it‘s okay, I will just go back to bed.“ Still facing Danny, he took a few steps back but Danny quickly grabbed at his arm before Jorel could pull away. Maybe he was tired of hiding.

Realising what he was looking at, a wave of sadness overcame Danny all of a sudden. He knew what those lines mean. Sitting down on the couch, he pulled Jorel with him, setting his friend down beside him. Before he spoke, Danny swept Jorel into a tight embrace and after a few seconds he could feel his shoulder getting wet. Both of his hands now on Jorels shoulder and rubbing them slightly, he looked him in the eyes to see tears spilling out of them. 

„Hey J, it‘s okay. I‘m not mad or anything I‘m just surprised. I didn‘t know you were feeling down. If I had known, I would have tried to help you somehow. Wanna tell me whats going on?“

Jorel could feel Dannys worried expression on him and he really tried to hold it together. But in that moment he was just so exhausted from the night that he was ready to let it all go. 

„I feel trapped in a neverending circle and I can‘t hide from that voice that speaks inside of me. Well, it‘s my voice but it tells me all this horrible things, how I‘m a failure and don‘t deserve all this. I can‘t shake this thoughts off and I have to hurt myself to stop them but it doesn‘t last long and I can hear them again. It‘s messing with my sleep, like tonight. George knows but I didn‘t want to burden him with my problems in the middle of the night so I tried to sort it out myself. I just don‘t know what else I should do. I have really no idea what I‘m doing.“ To hear his problems pronounced out loud, made them sound so insignificant and he wished he could take back what he said. He didn‘t want Danny to think, that he couldn‘t handle his life like everyone else.

„You know that you are not the only one feeling this kind of way? There are many people who can‘t cope with their problems but that doesn‘t make them weak.“ Danny wanted to assure Jorel that he was not a burden to anyone.

„It just doesn‘t feel that way. I can see you all leading a good life and I‘m the fuck up who can‘t cope.“ Now Jorel looked down, he couldn‘t look Danny in his eyes, he felt ashamed.

„That‘s just the way you see it but it‘s not true. Everyone has his troubles from time to time. When you guys asked me to join the band I really had to battle with my self confidence, well even now sometimes. You were this huge band, my old band couldn‘t compete with that and I thought I wasn‘t good enough to sing for you. That the fans would hate me because I was worse than Aron. And for a while I really played with the idea to turn the offer down. But I talked with Reese about it and she helped me realise that you wouldn‘t have asked me if you didn‘t think I was worth it. See thats why you have to talk to people. You realise that everyone has problems and bottling them up won‘t help you.“ Danny felt it was right to tell Jorel that he almost called the band off to make him understand that everyone has his up and downs.

„I didn‘t know you felt that way, thank you for telling me I guess. I think I get what you mean.“ 

„Can I ask what you used to cut yourself with?“

Jorel hesitated for a moment, but then he reached into his pocket to pull out his razor blade. When Danny saw he reached his flat hand out. „Would you give it to me? No offense but I think it‘s in your own interest when you possess nothing which could give you the desire to hurt yourself.“

Jorel knew that Danny only cared for his wellbeing, nonethless it was hard for him to give up the blade for he didn‘t know what he should do when he felt this way again. When he put down the razor in Dannys hand, he didn‘t know what to feel. He was just so drained from the night, all he wanted was sleep. Danny could sense how drowsy Jorel got.

„Thanks J, I‘m proud of you. You think you can sleep now?“  
„Not sure. I feel tired enough but I don‘t know how I get when I‘m alone again.“ Jorel was hesitant to get in his bed again. What if the thoughts came back when everything was silent again?

„Come on then. You can sleep in my bed with me, there is enough space for two of us.“ There was no way Danny would leave his friend alone right now and Jorel was grateful for that.

When they make their way to Dannys bed, Jorel could really feel his exhaustion. As soon as he lay down and his head dropped down on the pillow, his eyes closed on their own. In a matter of minutes he was asleep. Danny was relived to find his friend sleeping, but now he was the one with problems going in the land of dreams. He was still worried about what he found out this night, he should put off his thought for tomorrow, or rather later that day.

With the morning came the heat, summer almost there, and George couldn‘t sleep any longer, his blanket almost suffocating him. He got out of bed for his morning routine, most importent element the coffee. To his surprise it weren‘t Danny or Jorel who rose next, no it were Charlie and Dylan.

„Are we in a wrong timeline? Were are Danny and Jorel? Not that I mind, more food for us I would say.“ It was rare for Charlie to not be up last or be in a good mood despite a raging hangover.

„Danny was pretty drunk last night, oh that reminds me of the video I took. I have to show you.“ 

Dylan and Charlie gathered around George, who started the video on his phone. One could see Danny and George standing outside, smoking cigarettes while Danny seemed distraught to say the least. 

„Why is Danny crying?“ Charlie asked.

„He found out that Reese is married.“ George explained.

„But they are married?“ Dylan said confused.

„As I said he was very very dunk. I had to show him wedding photos from him and Reese on his phone to calm him down.“ At this point the three were laughing, thinking how stupid Danny must have felt after he found out he was the mysterious husband.

„Why do you have to laugh so loud? My head is exploding, where is the Aspirin?“ Danny appeared in the kitchen, looking rather annoyed at the noise makers and then searching through the cabinets. He really needed painkillers right now, god why did he had to drink so much. He wasn‘t used to it as he drank next to none at home, trying to be a rolemodel and such for his daughter.

„I showed Dylan and Charlie a video from last night, I suppose you don‘t remember anything?“  
To conclude from Dannys expression, he did indeed not remember, so George showed him the video too. After seeing it, Danny hid his face behind his hands in embarrassment.

„Promise to never show it to Reese. Oh god what did I drink? Did something else happen?“ Danny was still a bit embarrassed but could laugh about himself.

„Don‘t think so? I remember playing poker and Charlie and Dylan betting with their stashes of weed.“ George could vaguely remember how the game ended.

„We did what? Oh my god did I lose or win? Did I lose or win George?!“ Dylan was getting more hysterical at the end of the sentence. 

„How should I know? Look for yourself?“ George gave Danny a bewildered look, as Charlie and Danny ran upstairs.

„I hope they don‘t wake Jorel, he could use some more sleep. He had a rough night and is still in my bed.“ With a cup of coffee and a bottle of water for the painkillers, he sat down across from George, who looked at him suprised.

„In your bed? Why, what happened?“

„I woke up around 7 am and went to the bathroom and Jorel was already there. He seemed strange to me so I pushed him to tell me what‘s going on. He just broke down I guess, he was really exhausted, he also also told me that you know. I didn‘t want him to sleep alone after that. I also confiscated his razor blade so no more worries in that matter. How long is that going already?“  
The conversation wasn‘t helping Dannys headache but he wanted to know what was really going on and how long. 

„Shit. Two days ago I spoke to him and he promised he would tell me when it gets worse again. Why didn‘t he come to me? How can I help him when he is not cooperating? It‘s like the last time he relapsed. That was half a year ago and I think it‘s going on for over a year now on and off. I admit I have no idea what to do. I mean what can we do? Do we have to hide all knifes? Our razors? Fuck, what if it gets so bad he tries to kill himself? What do we do then?“ George talked faster to the end, he felt so helpless.

„Hey George, don‘t even think about that. He wouldn‘t do that. We just have to talk to him and make sure he gets better. That won‘t happen next week or next month but we have to be there for him. Maybe have an eye out for him though. I don‘t know if that was his only blade. You think we should search through his bag or does that seem too invasive?“

„My god. Why are Charlie and Dylan fighting over their weed? Dylan almost elbowed me in the face and I don‘t need another black eye.“ Jorel tried to be funny but when he saw the faces of his two friends he realized it didn‘t work on them. „Why the long faces? Did something happen?“  
Why did he even ask? It was probably because of him, his bandmates were in a bad mood. Way to start the day with a heavy feeling settling in his stomach, denying him any appetite.

„No no all good. We are all just hangover. Coffee?“ Now wasn‘t the right time for a serious conversation, Dylan and Charlie could come down any minute. So George offered Jorel a cup of coffee to divert his attention. 

„Thanks. What are the plans for today?“

„We are driving all day so just chilling I guess.“ Danny was glad they had another full day for themselves. Playing shows was nice and all but there was nothing against a day or two to fully relax. While he thought about options of what to do, the other two of the band came into the kitchen.

„So to end our disput we came up with a great idea. We all get high of the remining weed, unimportant whose it is and then we have a Mortal Kombat tournament. Wat do you say?“ Charlie grinned as that was the best proposal he ever made. Well he wasn‘t that wrong.

„Yeah. I will kick all your asses. I‘m the undisputed winner.“ Already sure of his victory, Jorel made his way to the TV to set up the game. There was no time wasted to show the others where they belong. That means at the bottom of the winners podium.

When everyone was seated they used scissor, stone, paper to settle who fights against who. Danny and Dylan started out as the first pair.

„Are you ready?“ Danny asked his opponent, ready to kick his ass.

„I was born ready. Well, not really. I was born a baby but then I got more ready.“ Dylans statement confused Danny to such an extent he missed Dylans first move against him.

„Fuck that was really unfair. You are going to pay for this.“ 

Dylan and Danny were head to head until Dylan made his power move and defeated the blonde. He couldn‘t contain his victory dance and he swayed his hips right into Dannys face, while swinging his hair from one side to the other.

„Oh god no need to rub in it. Get your junk out of my pretty face.“ Holding his hands in a defensive stance, he couldn‘t help but laugh a bit too.

Jorel and Jordon were next. Both very good players so the outcome could not be predicted and the fight could last longer than the one before. George knew that, so he used the chance and excused himself. He made his way to the bunks, more specifically Jorels. Quickly he found what he looked for, Jorels backpack. He tried to search through it fast, for anything that could be used to hurt themself with. Seeing through the last pocket and pleased that he didn‘t found anything, he zipped the bag back shut.

„What are doing with my bag?“ George didn‘t hear Jorel coming his way and he had no time to hide his intentions.

„Oh uh nothing. Thought you had my charger.“ It was the only excuse that came to his mind.

„Don‘t pretend. I know what you looked for. You could have asked me you know? You don‘t have to invade my privacy.“ Jorel was angry that his friend didn‘t trust him enough to come to him, instead searching through his private stuff.

„Ask you? And would you have answered honestly?“

„What do you mean with that?“

„Last night you didn‘t come to me and you promised me the contrary. I just wanted to make sure that there will be no more accidents.“

„Nevertheless you should come to me first. I can‘t believe you, fuck.“ The high he felt mere minutes before from smoking the remaining weed and defeating Charlie was almost gone, leaving him empty. He rushed past George, needing fresh air and a smoke.   
When he was gone, Danny popped his head in, asking what‘s taking so long. They needed George for the next battle.

„Wheres Jorel?“ Danny couldn‘t miss his absensce and Georges defeated expression.

„He‘s gone outside for a smoke. I think I fucked up but let‘s talk later.“

It was not until George and Dylans fight was over, that Jorel reappeard. But he didn‘t looked as angry as before, which calmed George down a bit. He didn‘t want to drive a wedge between of them just because he didn‘t trust his friend for a moment.  
When Jorel emerged as the winner, of course he did, he stuck out his tongue and gave all of them the middle finger.

„Ha losers. I warned you, don‘t mess with me, you can‘t compete. Later fuckers, I‘m in my bunk telling the world how awesome I am.“ And with that Jorel was gone, leaving the remaining band sulking. Nevertheless everyone had fun today.


	5. Having a nice shower

They were 2 weeks on tour now and they would be for a while longer. Nonetheless there was no big argument so far, no one got so hurt they had to go to a hospital and no one got arrested. It couldn‘t have been better. They wished they could make a detour to Canada but because of their criminal records, they would have to pay thousands to be able to cross the border. It wasn‘t profitable. As much as they liked to make their fans happy, they have to be able to provide for themselves. Food now and then would be nice, one can‘t live only from music. Although they were the ones writing the music, they were the last to see money and also the least. There was management, producers, recording studios, advertising and so on. All members had the same opinion in that matter, it was unfair. But they kept going. Making music and performing it live was their dream come true. And every dream has it‘s cost, so be it. 

Jorel was torn out from his thoughts by Dylan who shook him by his shoulders.

„Yo what were you dreaming about? That hot girl that winked at you at the show yesterday?“

„No, it was nothing. Did you want something from me or are you just bored?“ Dylan did that sometimes. He always had to be occupied with something or else he would get on anyones nerves. He really behaved like a kid most of the time. Give him a new toy and he will be busy for the rest of the day.

„Ah yes, we arrived in Portland and wanted to explore a bit. You comming with us?“ The band loved to play tourist. Going through a new city, sightseeing, shooting photos, it was a fun alternative to their routine on tour. 

„Give me five minutes.“ Luckily today wasn‘t as hot as the past days so Jorel could pass without curious glances while wearing a sweater. He felt uncomfortable without long sleeves like everyone would immediately stare at his arms instead of his face. So that‘s how women felt when they wore a shirt with a bit of cleavage?

They all met outside the bus when everyone got their stuff, ready to explore. 

„So where are we going?“ asked Charlie, he wasn‘t the biggest fan of walking long distances.

„I read online about the Pittock Mansion and it sounded interesting to me. Let‘s go there first.“ Danny proposed to them.

They agreed to check out that museum. Just because they looked like bad guys doesn‘t mean they don‘t appreciate learning about culture. You don‘t have to behave the way you look. They already did that enough at night.

Danny took a few pictures that he would show his daughter when he would be back at home. Maybe they could come here together in a few years, without all the guys.   
On the museum property was a park that overlooked the city. It was a great viewpoint to look over the big buildings and churches.   
After that they decided to do a city tour on bus to be easy to their feet. Jumping on stages almost every night and then dancing afterwards was exhausting for them. And they couldn‘t get lost that way like one time in Atlanta. They had to call their driver and tried to explain their surroundings to him till he found the band. After that incident they bought a map for the city they stayed in. Just to be on the safe side.

Management was generous and booked a hotel for the next two nights and days to stay in. It was a welcoming change, the bunk beds weren‘t that comfy in the long run and they needed space between them once in a while. George sometimes snored so loud, it made everyone go crazy, if they had to tolerate that even longer, someone would suffocate him with a pillow. And everyone of them needed a little alone time they otherwise only got in the shower.  
All in all the band was pleased they could fall in a real bed tonight. They only did a small rest after their sightseeing tour to fetch something to eat, later they wanted to go drinking. But nothing big, just a little bar and relax. No dancing, no girls, just chatting with each other. It didn‘t matter how long they were on tour together there was always something to talk about. They never ran out of stuff.  
They ordered their drinks and sat down in chairs across each other. The music wasn‘t so loud and it wasn‘t packed, it was a nice atmosphere. A change to their loud and hectic shows.

„Man this day seemed so long and we didn‘t even do something. It‘s not even midnight yet. I feel old.“ George said as he laid his feet in Jorels lap.

„Wait till the baby is there. You won‘t remember what a quite life is or what sleep feels like. One time I fell asleep doing laundry and my wife found me standing up and my head lying down on the washing machine. Get naps whenever and wherever you can, trust me“ Danny was the only one of them who already got a child and he knew what he was talking about. 

„Do not scare me before it‘s even here. Oh god, am I even ready for a child? I mean it‘s a tiny human how can I possibly not fuck up? Look at me, I‘m not a great rolemodel, I‘ve got tattoos all over me and drink most days of the week and...Oh my god what do I do when my child hears our songs? What will he think about me?“ George was rambling now, clearly in panic mode.

„Johnny calm down. You have enough time to figure that out. My daughter isn‘t in the slightest interested in my music so don‘t worry, you will get the hang of it.“ Danny tried to reassure his friend. It wasn‘t his intention to upset him.

„You and Asia will move in together, right? You can‘t still live with Jorel when you got a baby and there is no space for three people and a child. Something planned?“ Charlie asked then.

„We haven‘t really talked about that yet. Asia had to meet with her parents first, that wasn‘t pleasant. They didn‘t like me much when we first met but I can understand. But they have to come around now. Guess I will first move in with her and then we will see what we can find.“ 

Until this moment Jorel didn‘t thought about their future home situation. Of course George had to move out but he hadn‘t realised until now. So he had to live on his own when the tour was over. He would no longer live with one of his best friends. George moved on with his life while Jorel was still stuck with his usual shit, great. He took a big gulp of his drink and went to order another, dropping Georges feet on the floor.  
As he stood at the bar to wait for his drink, he looked over to the others. How they sat there together, having fun drinking. They wouldn‘t miss him if he wouldn‘t be here, he was so sure of that. No Jorel, get that thought out of your head, don‘t think about that, come on you‘re better than this. The barkeeper tried to get his attention, his drink was ready. Jorel thanked him and got back to the others, swatting his thoughts away. He should try and have fun tonight.

„-and then he shot off his balls. Can you believe? That was so funny. Popcorn was coming out of my mouth cause I had to laugh that bad.“ Dylan was talking about that one time he watched 21 Jumpstreet with Charlie. He wanted to convince the others to watch it too, maybe tonight. But he spoiled the ending, now nobody would want to watch it anymore. Or they got drunk enough to forget the ending.

„Yeah very funny. Not disgusting at all to clear the floor off your spit covered popcorn. Definitely not happening tonight.“

„Why not? Dylan is a good candiate to try out being a father. He always wants to tell you a obscure story, gets his food everywhere, needs to be entertained and you have to be careful he doesn‘t accidentally kills himself.“ Danny explained to George.

„Don‘t know if I should be offended that you think my personality is basically like a kid or be afraid that you know me so well.“

„Well you behave like my daughter so I didn‘t have to analyse much. But don‘t worry you‘re equally cute.“ The blonde one assured his friend, pinching his cheek for emphasis.

„If I can‘t handle Dylan most of the times, how should I then handle a little baby. Don‘t they cry all the time? How do I even pay for all the diapers that it will need?“ George hadn‘t stopped worrying. Every single thought of his circled around the baby.

„Come on George. Stop thinking about it for a minute. I‘ll spend the next round and then we get some Tequila and only think about us getting drunk, there will be nothing more important. Let‘s have some fun tonight, alright?“ It wasn‘t really a question, Charlie had already made up his mind and strolled to the bar to get them their fun juice as he would often call it.

„I‘m in. We‘ve got a nice bed to fall in at the end of the night and sleep in. Have to think of breakfast already. I love buffets.“ Dylan was very enthusiastic when it came to food. 

After that, Charlie returned and gave all of them their respective drinks. Soon the bottle of Tequila was opened and salt and lime was passed around. Maybe they ordered another bottle. Maybe George always got in dance mood when he drank too much Tequila. And maybe he tried to dance on the bar, while the others tried to get him off the counter. When the owner threatened with a call to the police, George finally calmed down enough and they all escaped the bar before it came to another incident. Wasn‘t the first time that Georges dancing skills brought them trouble. On the way to the hotel, they made stop at a little store and bought more beer. The owner just shook his head when the band exit his shop. 

They all gathered in Charlies room that for unknown reasons was the biggest. Danny, Dylan and Jorel laid down on the bed or more like pilled on top of each other. The problem was, when Danny got drunk he loved everyone. Even more when you were his friend. He would tell you how much he loved you, what a great person you were and wanted to cuddle all the time. The person nearest to him had to have no problems with intimacy and hugs all night long. But Jorel didn‘t mind tonight. A little love couldn‘t hurt and Dylan was always in the mood. George recorded it on his phone for future purposes. He could make a collage from all their drunken adventures. Maybe he could play it at someones wedding, oh that was a great idea. He congratulated himself for his clever thought.

An hour later it knocked on the door. Dylan who was the most sober got up to open it. At the other side of the door stood a staff member from the hotel.

„Excuse me sir, but there have been complaints about noise. Would you be so kind to town it down? Thank you very much and have a good night.“

The good night wish didn‘t sound very sincere but they didn‘t mind. Who gave a fuck about complaints from some snobby hotel guests. They would have fun als long as they liked, who cares.

Well at least they lowered the sound of the TV but they didn‘t wanna split yet so they put on some reality program and made nasty remarks about the contestans. At some point George had enough and carried a love drunk Danny with him to put him to bed. Their rooms were next to each other at another floor.

„I think I will take a shower.“ Charlie exclaimed and proceeded to take off his clothes.

„Oh god Charlie at least wait till we are out the room. No more nakedness of yours. How often do I have to see your little dick?“ Jorel was annoyed and put his hands before his eyes so he wouldn‘t see anything PG 18 rated. 

„Come on, you love it, I know it.“ Charlie laughed but walked in the bathroom to release Jorel from his suffering. Dylan didn‘t even flinch, he was still concentrated on the dating show they put on. Maybe he was used to it and didn‘t even care anymore.

„Let‘s get going. Don‘t want to wait till he starts singing in the shower. Don‘t want my ears start to bleed.“ Jorel stood up from the bed and got out the door, Dylan behind him. They split a hallway later and Jorel put the card into the door to his room. Luckily he didn‘t lost it and had to sleep in someone elses bed.  
Exhaustion coming over him, he got out of his clothes and let them drop to the floor. He could clean them off tomorrow. Now all he wanted was sleep. Getting under the duvet, he turned off the bedside lamp and finally closed his eyes. 

Frantically he sat up, still confused. Where was he? Ah yes, hotel room. What happened? Right, nightmare. Jorels naked upperbody glistened with sweat and his hair was disheveled. With one hand he swiped over his face, realising he was really awake and that the dream wasn‘t reality. He died. Alone. Without friends or family. Someone killed him and then he had to die alone because no one came to say goodby. He was really fucked. Getting up from the bed, he walked into the little bath to drink from the faucet. When he was more composed, he could hear noises on the floor outside the door. He didn‘t pay more attention and got back to bed. But he didn‘t really wanna sleep right away, afraid that the dream would just continue.  
As he lay still in bed his phone vibrated. It was the middle of the night, who the fuck dared to call him? 

„Yes?“ he growled.

„Oh great, you‘re up.“ It was George.

„You called me. Course I‘m awake now. What do you want?“

„Yeah about that. The hotel kicked Charlie out of his room, he‘s on the bus now.“ 

Jorel shot up in his bed. „They did what? No wait, what did he do?“ Why did they have to get in trouble all the time.

„He fell asleep in the shower while it was still on. The door was open and apparently there was plenty of water. Someone on the floor below called the reception and they went to check on him to find him sleeping. They weren‘t amused so they just kicked him out. I helped him getting it all sorted out. Just wanted to let you know incase they say something tomorrow or complain to management.“ Jorel listened carefully and got more and more annoyed. Charlie why did you have to be so stupid.

„Okay, thanks. Can I get back to sleep now? We can cope with that tomorrow.“

„Sure, night.“ 

He hang up but was too nervous now to fall asleep. Management would behead them when they found out what happened. Maybe he can give them a call before the hotel does. The silence in his room was slowly suffocating him, he couldn‘t concentrate on anything else except his thoughts again. Unable to get back into his dream land, he put on a dumb movie to at least relax. To the end of the film he drifted into a restless sleep, tossing around the bed because his dreams were almost nightmares again.

It wasn‘t often that the sun woke him, especially not on the bus and at home he always had his curtains closed. But today it shined right onto his face, pulling him out of his dreams. He was glad, they weren‘t pleasant and he would rather forget them. He didn‘t even feel rested as though he didn‘t slept at all. What was the point then in laying down at all.  
Jorel dragged himself into the bathromm and sleepily took a cold shower to wake him up. As he stood there, he remembered the call he got last night and groaned. He wasn‘t ready in the slightest to face the day. After dressing himself he checked the group chat, Danny apparently was already awake. And he saw that Charlie had spammed them with texts the whole night long but no one did reply. Well they were probably asleep in their nice beds. Seemed as it was pretty boring alone on the bus. Serves him right, this bastard, he thought.

They had planned to meet for breakfast at 9 cause the buffet had only open till 10. Why do hotels only serve breakfast that early? Why would you get up that early on vacation?  
Surprisingly all were present at agreed time, even Charlie. They had do persuade the staff to let him at least eat with them. But as he told his viewpoint of the story from last night thay had to laugh so loud, the hotel probably regretted letting him back in again. But the band could care less. It did make a great story to tell.   
While stuffing themselves with delicious food, they came up with a plan for today. George and Danny wanted to go for a walk together, discussing family stuff. Dylan agreed to accompany Charlie to the bus, entertaining him. Jorel wasn‘t in the mood for either and decided to spend the day alone in his room. But first he did a little shopping. Some energy drinks to keep him awake, some snacks, it will be a great lazy day. Throwing himself on his already made bed, kicking off his shoes and leaning on the bed header he fished for his zelda game on the bedside table. A whole day of gaming, nice and no one would interrupt him. Getting comfy and turning on the TV for some background noise he finally passed that difficult level he got stuck on the last days. He forgot about time while crunching on his chips when his phone rang all of a sudden. Jorel jumped up a bit from the noise and chips crumbled on the bed.

„Yes, hello?“

„Jorel? Here is Tom. I have to speak to you. The hotel called me this morning, I‘m guessing you know what they complained about?“ Tom didn‘t sound happy at all.

„Is it because of Charlie? They seemed fine at breakfast otherwise they wouldn‘t have let him back in. I thought all was okay.“

„Nothing is okay. You guys want to behave like some wannabe rockstars? You can scratch that out of your minds. You are nowhere near being famous musicians. The fine they mailed me will be passed on to you, just wait for it and then you can pay them back. I won‘t put myself in the front row for you. Those are your problems and you can get out of them alone, you hear me? Tell that to the rest of the band and behave on your last day here, I definitely won‘t search for a new hotel to put you guys in. Bye.“ Tom was shouting at the end of his speech and Jorel hold his phone a little distance away from his ear. Well, that went great.   
When management was pissed, they let the band feel it. Jorel was not amused, why did he had to be the one getting the calls. It‘s not like he is the leader. Danny or George would fit better in that position because they were more reasonable.

A bit annoyed he put his game on hold and contemplated calling George but then voted against it. Danny and George deserved a carefree day, they could still talk tomorrow or he would let it drop permanently.  
Phone already in his hand Jorel decided to scroll through facebook. Maybe answering some fans and see what they talked about the band. A few people got lucky today that Jorel commented on their questions, he wasn‘t known for beeing socially active that often. Most of the time he didn‘t care what was written about them. Just now and then he got curious, like today. There were many nice comments, people who attended past shows the last days and sharing pictures from them. He scrolled and scrolled until he saw a picture of the band but without Danny, no it was Aron standing at the front of the stage. He cringed a bit, it wasn‘t from that long ago. Should he read the comments? A look couldn‘t hurt, or so he thought. They weren‘t exclusively dragging Danny to the dirt, no apparently they held Jorel responsible for Arons kick out of the band. Because they were best friends it was Jorels fault for not making up with him. And to compensate for that they dragged down his performance, saying his lines were the worst out of all, his guitar skills weren‘t that good, he should have gone instead of Aron. Thinking about that was one thing but having it confirmed by other people was the worst. Now, Jorel really felt like shit. All he wanted was a relaxed day, why did everyone have to hate on him today?   
He slumped back into a lying position and stared at the ceiling, lost in thoughts. Subconsciously he started brushing with his hand up and down his arm. He needed something. After a while he didn‘t use his fingers anymore but more his nails and started scratching more at one place. It became red and raw and Jorel noticed what he did with a wince. The exposed skin now chafed.  
Suddenly it knocked on his door. With a grown Jorel got up and put on his sweater, opening the door quickly. It was Danny.

„Hey. We wanted to go to a restaurant. Nothing fancy. Just fetching something to eat before the show. You in?“ At that moment Jorel could feel his stomach growling, the only thing he had today was chips and other snacks.

„Sure. Only need my shoes.“ He was glad Danny didn‘t got suspicious about what he did all day alone.

They met Dylan and George in the lobby, Charlie was waiting in the restaurant to keep their chairs free. The burger shop was very popular apparently. Danny told them he and George sort of did a double date, face timing their girlfriends while eating in a cafe. Charlie and Dylans mission of the day was finding a dealer to freshen up their stock of weed and smoking it while doing karaoke. Getting on the nerves of their driver, what else was new.

„And what did you do? Haven‘t seen you all day.“ asked Dylan facing Jorel.

„Oh nothing really. The typical you know? Zelda and such.“ Jorel didn‘t want to dampen the mood with everything that happened today.

They all accepted his answer and started digging in. Recharging their batteries before the show started.


	6. Put a Ring on It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For unknown reasons I had problems switching between my mother language and english so it was really hard to write this chapter but I finished it, have fun with it. There are two weeks left before uni starts again, enough time for another chapter but then I have to see how much time I have for writing.

It was evening now and they were getting ready for the show. Means beer for them and the crew and some James Brown to stay classy, if that was possible at present situation. Danny showed off his hip swinging abilitys, standing in the middle of their tiny room backstage.

„Damn now I know why Reese put a ring on you, really sexy.“ Dylan said, who sat on the couch with Jorel, enjoying the show.

„Yeah that‘s how I impress every girl. No one can resist my dancing.“ To the end he moved over to Dylan and threw himself on his lap, wiggling with his eyebrows as if that dance was just for him. 

„Oh I‘m not one of those girls. You have to go on a date with me first.“ Dylan lifted his hands as to not touch Danny to demonstrate how innocent he was.

„Sure thing Dyl. And what did you do with that girl last month, huh? Is your idea of a date inviting her home and getting her naked? Or did you cook first? Didn‘t think you were that romantic.“ Dylan knew George was just mocking him. Regardless of that he shoved Danny down and he fell with a thud on the floor. A slightly offended Danny was on his back now.

Rubbing his butt he glared up. „Was that really necessary?“ 

„Thought you would land like a kitten, assumed you were one after you practically purred on me.“ 

„Well I can hiss too, watch out at night or I‘ll claw at you.“ Danny made a motion with his hand like an angry cat, squinting his eyes.

„Okay no cat fights in here, we are all for animal rights. Enough that one of us looks like he has been in a fight, right Jorel?“ George chimed in before there were any brawls started.

„Haha very funny. Should I put make up on or does mommy let me on stage looking like this?“ Jorel was still a bit pissed at what happened earlier this day but he knew George was just making fun of him. But he hadn‘t said much this day, fearing he would snap at any comment.

„Mommy will let you go out like this, don‘t worry.“ George played his role and got up to pat Jorel on the head. Jorel could swat his hand away last minute before George pinched his cheek, like a distant aunt would on family occasions once a year.

Just a bit later they all got up and walked to the stage. Charlie sang the scale and really just screamed at the end on a high note while walking down the hallway, annoying them to no end and probably the people behind all the closed doors.   
Putting on their masks, they waited for the go to start. They could hear screams when their drummer sat behind his drum set but it got really loud when the band ran on stage and the crowd started singing Undead with them. 

It could get really hot on stage with all the spotlights and a room full of people didn‘t help. And because they all jumped around feeling the energy streaming through them. Jorel always had a sweater on on top of his shirt and sometimes even a hoddie on top of that but he discarded everything pretty soon and was just left with his Misfits shirt. Just George powered through in his white jacket. Jorel wondered how he did that without passing out, the masks made them sweat too but they removed them halfway through their set after singing Comin‘ In Hot.  
They ended their show as always with Hear Me Now with no big accidents. Only Jorel missed his entrance for his verse once but Charlie covered for him in time and no one bat an eye.

Running backstage while still hearing their fans, they each grabbed a bottle of beer, downing it in one go. Trying to cool them down after the heat of the stage. They weren‘t willing to go yet and messed around a bit in their dressing room while the crew started to pack up everything. Tomorrow they had to go back to their bus and would leave Portland for the next city.

Jorel headed to his bag in one of the corners for a new shirt, he didn‘t want to go out drenched in sweat. As he pulled his shirt over his head he suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder and swirled around still half naked. 

„Oh god, why do you have to scare me all the time. You could say my name to warn me you know.“ He faced a grinning Dylan, who looked like someone who knew what he just did. Not letting him be distracted any longer Jorel bend down and pulled a sweater out of his bag. He felt really uncomfortable beeing half naked in front of his friend, he knew he shouldn‘t be but he couldn‘t help it, he had a good reason. 

„Just want you to speed up, the others are already…..ehm...“ Okay what did he just saw? Was Jorel injured? Dylan couldn‘t remember anything happening on tour...wait a minute. That didn‘t look like something you contracted after an accident but it couldn‘t be...Or could it? Then Dylan remembered he still hadn‘t finished his sentence and was probably staring in thin air. „Ehm they are already out. So hurry up before they drink all the beer in that bar.“ He could think about that later, now was not the time to talk and what would he even say. Most likely the wrong thing. He knew himself, talking wasn‘t always his biggest strength except when he was high out of his mind, then he felt like a 21st century philosopher. Problem was, he wasn‘t high right now so he crossed talking off his list.

Jorel wondered why Dylan was so quite on their walk to the bar next door, when you had to stop him from talking your ear off most of the time. Maybe he was already tired, he thought, even if that was a rare occasion after a show but he didn‘t want to dwell on it, he just wanted a bottle of beer in his hand already, keeping a light buzz through the night.

The rest of their friends cheered when they entered the bar, making a few people raise their heads. It was apparent that a few fans were drinking here too but luckily they weren‘t annoying them and were mostly sticking to themselves.

Jorel stood at the bar waiting for the bartender to notice him when a woman appeared next to him. It was full at the bar but she stood rather close to him, he observed.

„They are very slow here, you have to come with patience. Inconvenient if you want to get drunk, if you ask me.“

Jorel looked her up and down once he turned to her. She was really pretty, he had to admit. Probably his age, had a few tattoos herself but nothing big. Apparently a regular costumer when she knew the procedure at this place.

„Doesn‘t bother me when I have a nice view.“ he answered finally, earning him a smile and one raised brow.

„Charming. So what brings you here today? Are you here alone or..?“

„No my friends are up there“ he pointed at them but regretted it instantly, seeing them pulling dumb stuff. „Nevermind, I think I‘m alone, Jorel by the way.“

The woman had to laugh at that. „I‘m Bella. Well, your friends seem lovely. But it wouldn‘t bother me when you stand here a little longer.“

„Yeah I think a little company would be nice while waiting.“

They seemed to be hitting it off, laughing a bit more and talking about this and that. She asked him what he was doing in town and he answered honestly that he was in a band but she hadn‘t heard of them yet. Jorel didn‘t mind, it was always better to meet people who didn‘t know them. Some got very clingy after they learned the boys played in a band. It could be annoying. So he enjoyed her company and didn‘t mind the long waiting. And even when they already had their drinks and finished them, he ignored his mates in favour of her. He couldn‘t help but notice how she looked at him from time to time, almost biting her lip. Or it was a tactic of hers, he couldn‘t tell. 

After some time, George came over to clap him on the back, pulling him out of their conversation. „Just wanted to say the boys and I are going back to our hotel. Have fun yeah?“ and gave Jorel a wink, which was even obvious to the woman but she pretended not to see. George wandered off to catch the rest of the group who pretended to snog each other to make fun of Jorel.

„Sorry for my friends. They can come off as ill mannered, and childish“ Hopefully the impression of his friends didn‘t rub off on him. 

„Oh don‘t worry, all I heard was that you stay in a hotel?“ She seemed interested in that bit of information and Jorel could already tell where this will be going. Bella didn‘t seem to be the kind of woman who just wanted to get with him because he was famous. Well, he really wasn‘t.

„Yeah, an alternation to our tour bus. Believe me you don‘t want to be on that thing for weeks straight, it gets uncomfortable. And then it‘s just you and the boys, today was a welcoming change.“ 

„Well, I will gladly give you a shoulder rub if you need it. I live in a shared apartment with 3 other women, it can get ugly and tiring, so I know what you are talking about.“

„So my hotel room is like switzerland? We can get away from both our friend groups and have a chill night.“ he said with his characteristic smile.

„Count me in. Let‘s have another drink, this time on me and then we can get going?“

Jorel liked how confident Bella was, she didn‘t just looked at him shyly from under her eyelashes, she knew what she wanted and luckily for him, it was the same he had in mind. 

After they both had emptied their glasses, they quickly made their way back to the hotel. It wasn‘t that far away or it just seemed like that to him cause Bella made him laugh all the way with bad jokes or in her case ‚very good ones‘.

Fumbling a bit with his key card he was relived when they got in and his room didn‘t look like a tornado went through. Didn‘t want to chase her away right away. A second impression was as good as a first one.   
He had the greatest night in a while, which wasn‘t that hard to pull off, but still. He of course got his shoulders rubbed which turned into something else while both lost their clothes in the process. Well, what should he say, he still got it. He couldn‘t even remember the last time he shared a bed with someone and that one time with Danny on the bus didn‘t count. 

When Bella was already sleeping next to him, Jorel was still laying awake with his eyes wide open. Even if it was dark and he could just see faint beams of street lights shining through the curtains. Although his thoughts weren‘t as bad as usual and he felt pretty relaxed, he couldn‘t made his body cooperate with him and letting him sleep. Fuck, what was his brain for after all? Letting out a big sigh, he turned on his right side and made another attempt on closing his eyes and keeping them shut. What felt like hours, he finally fell asleep.

He was glad Bella didn‘t made a fuss in the morning, just got dressed and wished him a nice day and she was gone before he could say anything else. So he opted for a refreshing shower and packed all his things already, sparing him the task after breakfast. At that thought he looked at the time and realised he should already be on his way down.

„Wow Jorel you look like you didn‘t slept a second last night. Was it that good?“ asked Charlie as he lay his eyes on him. 

„Sure. Why sleep when you can do something better.“ Lied Jorel with a cheeky grin. He didn‘t want his facade to falter. He could lead his mates on a bit, it didn‘t cause any harm and they smiled at his response so that was that.   
They tried to interrogate him more while eating but he made a motion with his finger on his mouth like closing a zipper. They shifted to another topic after Jorel didn‘t say another word. They left city today, that‘s why they ate at 9 so they had enough time left to pack their stuff and check out. It was early for them and even Jorel was surprised they managed to be back on bus right on time.

When they were all spread on the couch or around, Dylan and Charlie couldn‘t help but release their laughter after hiding the noises behind their fists. 

„Oh my god his face was pure gold, I wish I could have taken a photo.“ Dylan choked out between hits of laughter. Even Danny and Jorel had to join in after replaying that scene in their heads.

Dylan and Charlie decided to prank George and brought gay pornos on his account in his hotel room. So when they checked out the lady at the reception got a little red after looking in her computer and tried to tell George he had to pay for the films. George, who didn‘t know what she was talking about, demanded an explanation about what films she was talking about and regretted it the moment she started reading out the names. While he knew who was behind it, he silently payed what was requested of him and quickly left the hotel, hoping he would never had to stay here again.

Now George sat silently on one end of the couch and tried to look pissed off but deep within he could enjoy a good prank. He was in a tight space with them again, no need for bitchiness.   
They would drive all night, so no chance for an escape.

Next evening came and they reached their destination, meaning only thing for one member of the band. „Okay, who wants to go out?“ Charlie was already dressed and waited for a response by the door. Dylan was by his side in an instant and George shouted from upstairs that he needed a minute and then he would come with.

„Danny, Jorel, whats up with you two?“

The blonde one looked up. „I have a phone date with my wife tonight so I have to pass. But have fun guys.“ He was already looking forward to see Reese again. He wondered if he would ever get used to being on road most of the time, apart from his wife. But right now he wasn‘t upset because of it, he would he see her after all on the phone, who knows what it could lead up to.

„I think I will stay here too. And don‘t call when you can‘t find back, I won‘t pick your drunk asses up.“

„As lovely as ever. Okay then, have fun too you two slowpokes.“ Dylan said. He still hadn‘t talked to Jorel or with anyone else about his find, cause honestly he didn‘t know how to approach this situation. Maybe a night out would clear his mind and give him an idea.

With three of them gone, it got quite on the bus. Jorel left Danny in the kitchen to leave him some privacy. And cause he really didn‘t want to know what they talked about. He also wanted to get comfortable in his bunk with an almost empty bottle of vodka and scroll through his phone, but not facebook this time, he learned his lesson.

It‘s long after Danny finished his romantic call, that Jorel decided to ask.

„Hey Danny did you see my razor? I could swear I packed it for the hotel and haven‘t unpacked it so it should be in my bag but it isn‘t.“

„Don‘t know. You can use mine if you want. You mind if I keep you company?“ Danny asked innocently.

Jorel squinted his eyes, confused. „While I shave? Why would you- really now? You can‘t trust me with an everyday task?“ He came behind Dannys plan in an instant.

„It‘s not that I don‘t trust you but better be safe than sorry, don‘t you think? You know, I noticed how tired you look most of the time and I can only guess why but I don‘t know how bad it is at the moment. I don‘t wanna risk anything.“

Jorel doesn‘t want to get angry today, he should appreciate Dannys concern for him, it only meant he cared. And he talked to him unlike George that one time he rummaged through his stuff without asking. 

„Whatever. But don‘t startle me, don‘t need another injury in my face and look like a fucking fourteen year old who doesn‘t know how to shave yet.“   
They made their way to the bathroom. Jorel stood in front of the mirror while Danny stayed in the door frame with his arms crossed in front of him, it was a tiny bath after all. 

„How was you date by the way?“ Jorel tried to get a conversation going so they don‘t fall in an awkward silence. He didn‘t want to feel like Danny was only here to keep an eye on him, which okay was exactly what was going on, but still.

„Great. But I realised how much I miss her, I know it‘s only been 15 days or so and we have more to go and it‘s not even my first tour but I don‘t know.“

„I wish I had someone to come home to, who would show me how much she missed me and such.“

„Did you have a girlfriend the past years?“ Danny inquired. 

„Yeah but she was angry that I was always on tour away from her ,despite knowing very well that I was in a band when we started dating. So you can guess it didn‘t work out.“

„Well you always have George at home, cooking you a nice meal.“ Danny attempted a joke.

„Not anymore. He‘s gonna move when we get back, did you forget? Move in with Asia.“ Jorel reminded him.

„Ah right. And what are you gonna do?“

„Don‘t think I can pay rent by myself so I probably have to move in a smaller flat, don‘t want a stranger as a roommate.“

„You think it will be good? Living alone I mean?“ Danny wasn‘t convinced, Jorel alone in an apartment for an unlimited time was a good plan. Not with the state he was in right now.

„Well, I don‘t have another choice, do I? George moved on with his life and I am left behind.“

„Come on, it‘s not like that and George isn‘t out of anyones life. Sure, when the baby is here it will get hectic and he won‘t have that much time anymore but we are still in a band together, we will see each other all the time. We have to put out a new album and everything. Unless…. you‘re not thinking about quitting right?“

„What?! No I‘m not. I mean I don‘t know if I contribute much to the band but as long as you don‘t kick me out I will hang around, I guess.“ Jorel finished with splashing water on his face and handed Danny his razor back, still finding it weird that his one got lost.

„Okay, I don‘t know what you are talking about, you contribute as much as anyone, if not more. I heard you came up with a new song idea so you can‘t say you do nothing.“ They left the bath and got down again. „Cause it‘s late I won‘t offer you coffee, god knows you need sleep, but how about a nice cup of tea? Maybe it helps you sleeping.“

Sitting down, Jorel offered a smile as confirmation towards his friend, who already got two cups in his hands.

„You know, I think you should talk with George. I know you‘re still pissed at him but he only meant well. He‘s just worried about you, that‘s all. We all want you be happy and carefree.“ With tea in hand he sat next to Jorel, handing him his cup and blowing on his own to cool it off.

„Sorry for pulling your down.“ Jorel said after a while.

„Thats not what I meant and you know that. Stop apologizing for the way you feel, you don‘t bother us. We don‘t mind when you talk about your problems as long as you do it.“

The warm cup in his hands relaxed him and he leaned against his friend, head laying on Dannys shoulder. It was easier to talk when you don‘t have to look someone in the eye and see how their expression shifted when hearing new information. „It‘s just… don‘t know. It‘s so hard telling someone you feel like shit and can‘t even explain what causes it. There is no real problem to fix.“

Danny just nodded and sipped slowly on his tea.

When the others came back from their drunken adventure, Danny and Jorel were still sitting where they left them, only this time with closed eyes and apparently asleep, their chests rising slowly. Two empty cups stood before them on the table. George felt something sting deep in his chest, his friend was comfortable with someone else but couldn‘t even look at him with a smile. Not losing himself in his thoughts any more he shooed up the other two behind him.


	7. smoking and arguments

„Shit“ Jorel said as his bowling ball only knocked three cones over, a fourth one was wobbling but decided to stay up last second. Oh come on, really Jorel thought. Couldn‘t luck be on his side one time?

It was a couple days later and they had decided to unwind and do something together besides drinking.

„Better luck next time.“ Charlie said and gave him a clap on the back. It was his turn now and he took a swing with a pink ball and let it slide across the wood, knocking over almost every cone. „Ha look at that, 69 points bitches.“ He was almost at the bottom of their highscore table, Jorel in last place, but that alone was a win for him. He moved aside for Danny and slipped in the booth next to Jorel who was nursing on his beer with a bored expression.

„Who even came up with the idea of bowling? That‘s the dumbest sport ever invented.“ That Jorel wasn‘t having any fun was an understatement, he simply didn‘t like bowling, never did it in his free time and that‘s probably why he was so bad right now. Which didn‘t help at all with the whole having fun thing. Besides, doing a sportly activity drove sweat to his forehead and he could feel getting hotter every minute but he didn‘t want to abandon his sweater. Pushing his right sleeve up to his elbow had to be enough to cool down.

„Come on, don‘t be a sore loser. Next time you can decide over our activities.“ Danny said as he sat down again, taking his own beer in his hand.

For Dylan the game was apparently not exciting enough. He stood with his back to the cones and tossed the ball through his legs. For ominous reasons the ball hit every cone, earning Dylan a strike and pushed him almost to the top. But George was clearly the winner, no one could catch up with his points.

Charlie shoved his phone in Jorels face with a grin. „Look at this picture I got this morning.“ Jorel took the phone in his hands and scrolled through the chat, he didn‘t want to know what they were writing each other, until he saw a picture of a half naked girl in bed with a winking emoji as a caption. „Nice catch dude.“   
Scrolling further down, thinking there might be other pictures, he grimaced suddenly. There was another picture but it was of Charlie and he was missing some clothes too. „Oh god, why didn‘t you say you send something back. Now that picture is forever branded in my brain.“ Handing Charlie his phone back with a disturbed face.

„You get a little and you give a little. That‘s how it works.“ Charlie defended himself not sure why Jorel seemed so distraught. „You have seen me naked many times, it‘s not like you‘ve seen something you didn‘t know.“

„That doesn‘t make it better. Just says something about you dude. Mostly that you have a problem with keeping clothes on.“ But Jorel grinned as he said it. He‘s really not that bothered by it, they even got one of their most popular songs out Charlies habbit.

„Well and you have too much on in my opinion. I mean how can you not be a puddle on the floor already, it‘s hot in here.“ Charlie eyed Jorel up and down. What was it with his fashion choices lately? It‘s summer, why isn‘t he wearing shorts and shirts like everyone else?

„I think it‘s more concerning that I found your underwear this morning in the freezer.“ Danny chimed in to spare Jorel any need for explanation to which said friend smiled at him thankfully.

„Ah yeah my drunk me likes playing pranks on sober me.“

„I‘m not sure about that expl-“

„Guys, last round. Jorel it‘s your turn.“ George came to their table, pleased with his points. If he can‘t compete with them in Mortal Kombat or cornhole, then at least in bowling.

The last round didn‘t change anything on the highscore table. George won, then came Dylan, Danny, Charlie and Jorel at last but that didn‘t bother him, it was a dumb sport after all in his opinion. He was glad when they got back on bus.

„Dyl wanna smoke?“ Jorel knew he didn‘t have to ask twice, Dylan was always up for it. So a second later he got his answer. „Sure thing, just let me get my stuff.“

Jorel really needed to relax. That feeling came over him again like a wave, slowly but he could feel it already in his stomach, tightening knots there and leaving him anxious. He didn‘t want to know what he would get like this time, when he had nothing to relieve it, having no outlet any more. He doesn‘t know if he should be relived of not having a dangerous object in his near vicinity and get tempted to use it, or be angry with Danny for taking it.

„You here with me?“ Dylan appeared next to him on the couch where Jorel had made himself comfortable, apparently zoning out. Dylan passed him his blunt, blowing out a bit of smoke into the room. 

Inhaling his first drag, he let his head fall back against the back of the couch, looking up. A cloud of smoke coming out of his mouth and passed the blunt back to Dylan who took it eagerly. They were going back and forth until they had nothing to smoke anymore, the two of them feeling hazy now.

„Can I ask you something?“ Dylan said out of the blue. They hadn‘t talked much the last minutes, rather sitting in comfortable silence. Which was unusual, Dylan was mostly chatty and cracking jokes when high. But Jorel liked the silence so he didn‘t complain.

„Sure.“ That question always seemed to come with a portion of anxiety.

„How are you?“ Dylan asked and turned his head to look at Jorel.

„That‘s the question?“ Jorel raised an eyebrow now looking at his friend too.

„I mean really. How are you feeling?“

„Ehm.“ Jorel didn‘t know what he should answer. „Good?“ He turned his head again, looking back at the ceiling.

„You shouldn‘t ask me, I asked you first.“

„I don‘t know what you want to hear. I‘m doing good.“

„I just wanted to know if you‘re okay. I feel like you‘re not saying the whole truth.“

Jorel felt like an animal trapped in a corner, he didn‘t want to talk about his feelings, not now and not with Dylan.

„I am telling the truth. Why are you so persistent?“ Getting frustrated, Jorel wished Dylan would drop this topic already. He was getting nervous, he didn‘t know what his friend wanted from him or where this was going to and he felt uneasy. The knots in his stomach tightened more and more.

For a few seconds Dylan said nothing, seemingly collecting his thoughts. „Well, I didn‘t know how to approach this, so I hoped you would say something first. But now I just want you to know-

They could hear loud voices below them and then a door being closed loudly, the sound audible in the whole bus, interrupting Dylans sentence. Both of them had their brows drawn together and looked in the direction of the stairs, where George came up.

„Jorel, Tom wants to see you outside.“

„Why?“ Jorel got up slowly, his limbs still heavy.

„He didn‘t say but he looked really angry.“ George looked at him sympathetically and followed him down, even Dylan came trotting down behind him.

When Jorel exited the bus, the rest of the band gathered at one of the windows, hoping to see what was going on. A few minutes prior Tom, from his management team, marched in and demanded to speak to Jorel and then stormed out again, leaving the band perplexed. Now they wanted to know what was up, why did he wanted to speak exclusively to Jorel?

Tom was already waiting for him with his arms crossed but as he saw Jorel coming close to him he pointed a finger at him.

„You! Do you know what problems you caused me?“ Toms voice was too loud for Jorels foggy brain.

„No but I‘m sure you will tell me in a second.“ He tried to look like all that didn‘t concern him a bit.

„Don‘t be so cocky, you‘re in no position to get rebellious. We found a video online, just like a local news station. It shows you fighting two people outside a club. Does that sound familiar to you, huh?“ Tom asked as Jorels eyes became wide. Fuck he thought, that can‘t be good. „Yeah that‘s what I thought. One can easily tell that that person is you.“

„Look, they started it and-“

„Oh no don‘t try to push the responsibility away from you! You participated and that‘s enough to cause trouble.“ Tom was getting red in his face, that‘s how furious he was, spatting the words at Jorel. „Hopefully no interviewer will pick up on that subject, I already have enough problems with you guys. I would love to have a look inside your brains and see what dumb shit you always come up with, I‘ve had it enough with you. And be happy that no police was involved otherwise I would have already strangled you.“

The other band members tried to overhear the conversation but could only hear scraps of it, the other two stood too far away from the bus, luckily Tom was rather loud. Gesticulating angrily with his arms, they felt sorry for Jorel. Whatever they were talking about it didn‘t look pleasant for him.

After a few minutes Tom left with his phone on his ear again. Jorel stood there looking at the ground for a while, nibbling at his thumb. Then he pulled his cigarettes out. Thankfully he packed them this morning, he really needed one right now, he didn‘t want to go back to the bus yet. The boys probably want to know what happened and he wasn‘t ready yet to explain how he fucked up again. His actions got the band in trouble and it was only his fault. He inhaled the smoke and exhaled it deeply to calm him down and to stop his hand from shaking, but he still tapped with his foot nervously.

„Should one of us go to him? He seems really shaken up.“ Dylan asked, concerned for his friend but looking in Georges direction.

„He is still angry with me, Danny should go“ George stated and looked over to Danny.

„Why is that?“ Dylan was always concerned for everyone going along well, he hated negative vibes. 

„Doesn‘t matter. Danny?“

With a sigh, Danny pushed himself up off the chair. „Fine.“ He got out and made a beeline for Jorel.

Jorel sensed someone coming but didn‘t bother to turn around, still fumbling with his cigarette. „Leave me alone.“ Was all he said instead, hoping the person would take the not so subtle hint and really leave him alone.

„Just wanted to know if everything’s good, Tom seemed really angry.“ Danny came to a stand next to Jorel but didn‘t look at him, giving him some space.

„Whatever. He always was an asshole.“ Jorel said with no expression in his voice. He had no intention to explain further. Maybe Danny would let it go, if he gave him the expression that it was just one of Toms regularly outbursts.

„That‘s true. But did something happen specifically?“

A big sigh escaped Jorel, talking was so exhausting, he wished no one would ask him anything ever again. Today was already too much. He had to light up another cigarette to keep him occupied. „If you really want to know. He called me a few days earlier cause of Charlie and told me how pissed he was and how shitty we are and now there is a video online of me fighting these fucking dumbasses outside the club and that is apparently not good.“

„Shit.“ Danny let out. „I mean that‘s really not good. You could have said something about that call from a few days ago tho.“

„Didn‘t wanna bother you all. Tom is always angry with something we did but normally he doesn‘t scream so much.“ Another drag from his second cigarette and Jorel looked at Danny, giving him a sad smile.

„He will calm down and forget about it, don‘t beat yourself up about it.“

„But I fucked up again. I could have left these two idiots standing there and no one would have filmed it. And we know that Charlie likes showering after drinking, someone should have checked on him.“

„Hey none of this was our fault or yours, don‘t let Tom get in your head, okay?“ Danny could sense Jorel beating himself up for what happened, even if it wasn‘t his fault. But he doesn’t seem to get that in his head. 

„I try.“

„Come on, finish your cigarette and come back inside.“

„I don‘t really wanna talk with anyone else.“ If he could he would stand all day here outside with silence surrounding him. Smoking cigarette after cigarette and forgetting about everything else.

„I will tell them to fuck off, you can have your peace and quite.

„...Okay.“ Jorel let his stump fall to the ground and stepped it out.

When they got back and Danny opened the door for them, the others were still sitting by the window but turned around, expecting some explanation. But Jorel didn‘t pay them any attention and got up to his bunk. He had enough of this day. Was it too much to ask for some goddamn silence? Finally lying down, his high long gone, he longed for another joint. The cigarettes weren‘t giving it to him. All he could do now was listening to some music and ignore everyone.

„So?“ Charlie asked when Jorel was gone again.

Danny sat down and explained what happened. George groaned. „Tom could have talked with all of us. He doesn‘t have to pick on Jorel likes this, motherfucker.“

„We have another interview tomorrow. When they ask us about our label I won‘t hold back with how shitty they are. I wish we could switch to another one already.“ Charlie complained. It wasn‘t the first time they felt hostile towards them.

„Just one more album and we‘re through with the contract. We shouldn‘t rebel now, it could bite us in the ass in the end.“ Danny spoke up, always the thoughtful one out of them.

„Well, I‘m going out getting us some food. Someone wanna come with?“ Dylan stood up. He never liked conflict and hated this whole dispute, so he would rather leave the situation.

„That‘s on your mind right now?“ George asked his friend, unbelieving.

„Yeah I smoked some and we have no food left here, I really really wanna eat something, so…?“  
George got up too, he could walk his anger out this way. „Fine, let‘s go.“ So the two left for the next supermarket.

„Why is Jorel angry with George?“ Charlie asked once the two were out the door.

„Huh?“ Danny raised his head.

„George said something earlier. Did they fight?“

„Sorry, I can‘t tell you.“

„Typical. No one let‘s me in their secrets. Whatever.“ With that he stood up too and decided to watch some sport. When George wasn‘t there he could actually concentrate without having to defend his favourite team.

A bigh sigh escaped Dannys lips. Today got alot worse in just a few minutes. 

When dinner came around and everyone except Jorel sat around in the kitchen, the mood hadn’t lifted up. They didn’t even try to get Jorel out of his bunk, opted to leave him alone instead and just put a plate on the floor before him. The conversation circled around one topic, which didn’t help at all to lighten the mood. So when the sun set and the night came around, they gladly decided to just relax separately in their bunks until one after another fell asleep.

Jorel couldn‘t tell how many nights he spend like this now. Laying down in his bunk like everyone else and listening how everyone around him fell asleep. Everyone except him. He would try listening to music but sleep won‘t come over him, no matter how much he tossed in his bed, looking for the right position. Then he would get annoyed with Georges snoring or Charles occasional sleep talking. He could hear Dylan tossing in his bed over him. All those noises made him restless and he still couldn‘t shake away the anger from the argument in the afternoon. 

He laid on his back now, staring at the ceiling. He turned on his little light when he accepted he wouldn‘t fall asleep in the next few minutes and sighed. His eyes travelled to his arm, tracing the scars with a finger, the last ones were healing good. What would he do if he still had his razor? Would he get up and got to the bathroom to cut himself? Or would he have the willpower to lay still in his bed? He wouldn‘t find out whichever it was, he had no choice. Strangely no one let his razors lay around anymore, now that he thought about it. 

He let one hand run over his face and then through his hair, trying to shake off his train of thoughts but it was no help. Then he felt a lightbulb go up over his head. He still has his lighter or he could scratch himself again. It was almost as good as cutting and not that obvious. He remembered going out for another smoke after dinner and that he left his stuff on the kitchen counter, so he lifted himself out of the bunk and tiptoed downstairs.   
He put on the flashlight on his phone to search for his lighter. Yes, there it was. He sat down and flicked it on. While his heart began beating faster, he held the flame under his arm, slowly putting it near his skin. He could feel it getting hotter until it stung, but it felt oh so good. But after a few seconds he let go and the lighter snipped shut. Examining his wrist he could see a bright red spot. He got up to let cold water flow over it, so it could heal better, also it hurt a second time. Taking deep breaths, he suddenly tensed up again. What did he do? Flashed in his mind. Oh god, no he did it again. It was like a veil being lifted from him and he was now thinking clearly again. Why couldn‘t he stop himself from doing this. He was so fucked up. He knew that no normal person dealt with problems like this, but Jorel wasn‘t normal, he was weak and couldn‘t cope with the lsmallest thing that was thrown at him. He felt like crying but of course his eyes denied him that, not a single tear escaped them. Jorel let out an angry growl, this was so frustrating. Fuck he couldn‘t do this alone, he realized. Being alone was just self – destructive for him. Nothing would change if got trough this alone. 

After contemplating over it a few minutes he walked back to the bunk area but instead of getting in his he turned to his right and stood before another one. Quietly, to not startle the person inside it, he lifted the curtain. Giving the shoulder a light squeeze he whispered „George. George, are you awake?“

„Hm? Just five more minutes.“ Grumbled a sleepy George.

„George, please.“ Jorel tried again.

Now George opened one eye to see what was going on. „Jorel? Everything okay?“

„….No. I‘m sorry. Can I come in?“

„Course, come here.“ George shuffled over until his back touched the wall and lifted his blanket to cover Jorel with it. They were laying face to face and George could see in Jorels sad eyes, and he was biting his lip. He was obviously upset with something. „What‘s going on? You can‘t sleep again?“ But there was no accusation in his voice. 

„Yeah. I‘m so sorry. I have….I couldn‘t, I mean. Fuck.“ Taking a deep breath, Jorel tried to calm himself down. „I fucked up George and I‘m so so sorry. I didn‘t know what I was doing until after.“ He couldn‘t look George in his face anymore, he was so embarrassed and guilt overcame him.

„Hey, it‘s okay. You came to me after all, didn‘t you? I‘m proud of you. Thanks for trusting me, I know I don‘t deserve it. I‘m sorry too you know?“

„I already forgave you. I know it‘s hard to have a messed up friend.“

That made Georges heart ache. „Don‘t talk about yourself like that. Can I ask what you did?“

„Well I didn‘t have my razor anymore, so I took my lighter.“ There was no use in hiding it from George. He would find out eventually. 

George inhaled sharply, he didn‘t thought about that. Of course someone could injure himself with that, why didn‘t he think of that earlier. „Come here.“ He only said, opening his arms for Jorel, who went willingly with the hug. Burying his face in the crook of Georges neck. His breathes were coming faster and a small sob escaped his lips. Now, being hold by his friend, he couldn‘t contain his tears anymore. They fell silently as George only hold him tight.

„Feel better now?“ George asked after Jorels sobs were coming slower. 

„A bit. Thanks.“

„Let‘s sleep for bit, okay? Tomorrow will be better.“

Jorel didn‘t believe in that but sleeping sounded very very good to him right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I said, uni starts at monday. I'm curious how they will pull it off when everything has to be online now. And I hope that I will still have motivation to write this story, but we will have to see.


	8. Just go to sleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uni work or not, here's another chapter. Cause who doesn't like to see Jorel suffer, sorry not sorry.

After that night something changed in Jorel. He was often seen with George, to Dylans satisfaction, who was glad there were no bad vibes going on any more. Jorel accepted that his behaviour couldn’t get on like this and would confide in his friend when things were getting worse, when he felt like getting pulled underwater and being swallowed until his thoughts drowned him. Most times he would send George a text, simply writing ‘distract me’ and George would come find him, just sitting with him or getting him to watch a film or play cards with the others. 

To this day it worked, Jorel hadn’t slipped back in his old habits but he was restless, always biting his lips or nibbling on his thumb. Smoking more cigarettes than usual. Sometimes he would absent minded scratch his arm until George or Danny took his hand in theirs but said nothing more. Jorel was glad for having them, he knew he would not be able to go through this alone, which scared him more than he would admit. It showed him how dependent he was on them.

The only thing that didn’t change were Jorels sleeping habits. At night he would toss around in his bunk, hearing the others sleep and getting frustrated. After a few hours sleep on and off, he would be the first one up even before George. And George got used to the sight of his friend already sitting in the kitchen with a strong coffee in his hands and thick bags under his his eyes. When he could, Jorel napped in the afternoon, which confused Charlie, who still didn’t know what was going on. “Why can’t he sleep at night like the rest of us? I think he just wants some alone time to wank in peace.”

“Just let him be.” George would answer every time.

They would still party most nights or go to a bar and even when sleeping was difficult, Jorel would go with them. He would never pass an opportunity to get shitfaced along with Charlie, it was a time hen he could feel carefree and lighthearted. The alcohol would cloud his mind until he was no longer able to think or in other words until his thoughts couldn’t bother him any more. George was in no way pleased with that but drinking was better than cutting, right? And it’s not like him and the others were better so who was he to order Jorel around. And hearing Jorel let out an earnest loud laugh was something that he missed, so he didn’t complain.   
What he and the others didn’t know was that drinking wasn’t sufficient for Jorel, he needed more and without any physical outlet, he turned more to his pills. Smoking with Dylan got no one worried but they didn’t know that their band mate was swallowing pills behind their backs. Cause Jorel didn’t want George on his back he tried to do it silently in the bathroom of the club they were in. And when his pupils were wide and dark the others didn’t say anything or thought he smoked some again. 

Every one of them thought the tour was going great. And they were excited to play on a festival next time.

Charlie and the others stood backstage, going through the technical stuff with the soundcrew. It was late afternoon, they still got time until their show. Suddenly he got an idea. “Hey guys, you know what I didn’t do in a while? I think we should-”

“We are not letting you sign any girls titties.” interrupted George.

“Well can I at least-”

“- or asses.” Danny ended the sentence without looking up from where he stood.

“Killjoys.” Charlie muttered and turned his attention back to the crew guy who fumbled with their guitars.

Not long after that, fetching a beer for everyone, they got comfortable on a sofa in one of the tents for the artists.

Danny decided to braid Dylans hair, while the others nursed their beers and munched on chips. Since he had a kid, he could braid Dylans hair in more interesting designs. Today it was a french braid.

“You want some too?” Charlie held out a bag of chips for Jorel.

“No thanks, not hungry.” He was fine with his beer and a bottle of water. He wasn’t feeling it today. Since getting up in the morning he felt rather weak like one day before getting ill, the black coffee didn’t help at all. And they had to do an interview before their performance, he had no patience left for that, he wished he could lay down for the rest of the day but it was an interview for the whole band and he didn’t wanna mess up with Tom in the near future.

He decided to sit in on of the chairs in the second row next to Danny, who didn’t like to say much during interviews. Jorel let Charlie and George speak for most of the time, even Dylan chiming in, saying something funny, it was his nickname after all. While the others answered the questions, Jorels mind slipped into static noise, he just couldn’t concentrate, the music in the background and all the talking around him made him drowsy. He let his head drop into his hand, his elbow propped on his knee, it felt so heavy. Suddenly he found himself upright again. Danny had poked him in the side with his elbow. His eyes said something along the lines of ‘are you okay’? Jorel nodded and tried to shift his attention back to the interviewer. He could lay down later, now he should concentrate even if it drained him off the last energy he had.

But for the rest of the interview he didn’t answer a single question and when they were back on their couch he just let himself fall on his back, one arm over his eyes to block out the light. Maybe he could fit in another nap, his limbs already felt heavy enough for it.

The others decided to let him be, already used to his afternoon naps. When it was time for them to get on stage they just tapped him on the arm to let him know. But when Jorel tried to get up, he stumbled for a moment but caught himself before falling down.

“Whoa, everything good?” Dylan asked, who stood the nearest to him while the others were already out the tent.

“Yeah, wasn’t really awake yet, I guess.” Jorel didn’t even know for himself what was going on. Maybe something to drink would help, he thought and grabbed another beer. 

Running on stage and hearing the fans, and the rest of the festival goers scream, was one of the best parts for them. When the crowd started singing their lyrics, waving their arms around and even jumped around to the beat. The energy of the band was of course equally high when they were running around on stage. And playing new songs was always exciting.  
After half their songs Dylan stepped up to the front, hyping up the crowd.

“Who wants to see a drinking battle between me and J – Dog?” He asked. Of course everyone screamed, eager to see two out of the band band have a drinking contest. Dylan got two cans of beer and joined Jorel in the middle of the stage, handing him one of the cans. “Whoever loses, has to clean the bus. Ready?”

Jorel nodded and Charlie gave the sign to start. Quickly Jorel threw back his neck, bottle on his lips and tried to get large gulps down. When he heard the crowd scream again, he knew Dylan was already finished and he lost. A second later and he was finished too, throwing the bottle away and swiped with the back of his hand over his mouth.

“Looks like our J – Dog has a lot to do tonight. Maybe we can get him to wear a sexy maid costume too.” Charlie joked.

As Jorel got back to his position in front of the mic, getting his guitar back, he suddenly saw black spots in front of his eyes, making it hard to see anything. Closing them for a moment and shaking his head he hoped to get them away but it worked only partially. He probably didn’t got enough air while drinking the beer, he thought, only a few minutes and it will get better, or so he hoped.

But as the show got on, the spots didn’t vanish. It was like when someone got up too fast and everything gets black for a moment. Nobody suspected anything as Jorel kept going with his verses. Only his voice wasn’t as loud as usually, which the others associated with the wrongdoing of the sound crew, and not jumping around as much as before. Nevertheless the show was a huge success. 

When they got off stage, the others were still jumping and buzzing with energy, only Jorel was rather slowly trailing behind them.

“Yo, Jorel, you coming homie? We wanna get going. Maybe we can watch another act before we have to go.” Dylan asked as he turned back to Jorel.

“Yeah, just gimme me a minute, I need fresh air.” Was it hot in here or was Jorel imagining things now? Nevertheless the air around him didn’t seem to reach his lungs.

“We are outside. There is plenty of air around. Come on already.” Dylan said with furrowed eyebrows.

“I think-I...I can’t...not feeling good.” Jorel panted as he leaned with one arm against a wall. The spots were back and more than before, blocking his vision. Breathing got harder for a second before Jorel felt like fainting. His knees were more like pudding and didn’t want to support his body. His eyelids became heavy and the buzzing in his head came back again and Jorel didn’t know any more what was going on or where he was. He could only feel his consciousness slipping away and the next second he was gone out like a light.

When everything was still black and his eyelids heavy all he could do was listen what was going on around him. There was no energy in him to wake up fully or move even a bit and it was so so comfy wherever he was. Maybe he could rest a little bit more.

“Fuck that, that’s far from okay. Can somebody tell me already what is going on? Every single one of you is tiptoeing around him for the past days or weeks and why is that? Did something happen? Can someone of you explain already?” Charlie was upset. When Dylan screamed for them to come back and he saw Jorel on the ground, he almost had a heart attack, or it at least felt like that. Jorels behaviour in the last weeks was suspicious to him and now he really wanted to know what everyone held back from him. When George bitched around a few weeks prior that the bus and most of all the bathroom was too messy and complained why there have to be 5 razors laying around, he didn’t say anything and tidied his stuff up. But know his limit was reached.

“Charlie calm down, don’t wake him up and sit down already.” George shushed him with a lower voice. They were all seated on the couch behind the bunk compartment.

“Only if you spit it out already.”

“I mean, I don’t really know what’s going on either but I can guess.” Dylan spoke up, his head hanging low. He was still a bit shocked after what happened.

“What do you mean?” George asked back.

“It was a while ago after one of our shows. You were already in the bar next door and I was waiting for Jorel. When I came into our dressing room, he-he was changing his shirt and….I saw something. It was-I was shocked and I didn’t know how to bring it up.”

George patted him on the back. “Its okay. You didn’t wanna spoil his secret to any of us.”

“Okay, I still don’t know what you’re talking about.” Charlie piped in again.

George took a deep breath and changed a look with Danny, who nodded at him, before he spoke up. “Jorel had-has problems with self harming. He was cutting himself until a few weeks ago, I mean he still could, but it got better I think. It started maybe two years ago and he stopped in between but since a year or so he does it again. I noticed on the day we started the tour and I tried to talk to him but I messed up, that’s why we fought.” George had to stop for a moment as he felt a tear threatening to escape his eye.

“It’s okay Johnny, it’s not your fault for what happened.” Danny tried to comfort him.

“But I wasn’t there for him. We live together and I didn’t notice how he changed. That he wasn’t sleeping well or having nightmares. Hell, he wears sweaters and it’s hot as fuck outside, how can I not notice it. Even when we’re so close on the bus. Fuck!”

“Come on, he didn’t wanna show us how he feels, we couldn’t realize what was going on, but we know now and can help him. First we have to get him to eat more and no one interrupts his naps, god knows he needs them. He probably fainted cause there was no energy left in him. The bags under his eyes showcase that.” Danny pointed out, George shouldn’t blame himself.

“So did I get that right? Jorel cuts himself, has sleeping problems, doesn’t eat enough or even cares enough about himself? Fuck, that’s too dark for me.” Charlie exclaimed. He wiped with his hand over his face, he needs to process the information.

“You wrote Bullet?” Dylan asked confused.

“Yeah, but those are not my feelings, whereas to Jorel they could be true.” Charlie pointed out.

“You mean Jorel could be suicidal?” Dylan was almost whispering, he didn’t wanna think about it. “George?”

“I don’t know, it didn’t seem like it but he hid everything else as well so we can’t rule it out. But he tries to be better, he really does.”

“I’m checking on Jorel, see if he wakes up soon” Danny said. They laid him down here as the bus wasn’t far from the stage and the tents. And the paramedics told them that it wasn’t anything serious, he just needed to rest for while. 

The curtain to Jorels bunk was open, so they could see if something was happening but Jorel was laying silently in his bed, not moving or anything that indicated he was awake.  
Danny stood before him and watched him for a moment. Damn, he really doesn’t look good, we should have done something sooner, he thought.

“Hey Jorel, can you hear me?” Danny was stroking Jorels shoulder and arm to see if he would respond.

“Mmh.” came the response immediately, even though the noise was faint but Danny was happy enough that one came at all.

“Can you open your eyes?”

“Too tired….” His voice was laced with sleep.

“It’s okay, take your time. Was just checking on you.” He was glad that Jorel seemed to be okay right now. The whole thing made him anxious but relive flooded him as Jorel talked to him.

“Stay here?” Jorel mumbled the question.

“Sure.” Danny answered and holstered himself up, there was little space as Jorel didn’t shift back but he managed to squeeze himself between Jorel and the end of the bed without falling out. He draped one arm over his friend and looked him in his face, where he could only find closed eyes.

Jorels rough voice spoke up again. “What happened?”

“You fainted when we got backstage. We took you back to the bus and you’ve been out for approximately 2 hours.”

“Fuck.”

“Yeah you can say that out loud. We were all worried as fuck for you. Especially Dylan who caught you. But the medics said you will be fine, just need some rest but you probably know that already.”

“’m sorry for worrying you again.”  
“You don’t have to apologize, you know that. We just want you to get better.”

“Okay.”

They lay there for about 30 more minutes in silence until Danny suggested going back to the others, Jorel could sit on the couch. He had to eat too, Danny reminded him. Jorel didn’t even complain, he knew he couldn’t come against Danny and his caring, that developed since he had a kid.

When the two got in the back room, the others all looked up to Jorel, going silent with their conversation. Just the bottles of beers audible, that were put down on the table. They made room for him on the couch, where he lay down with his feet draped over Dylans lap. The silence slowly made him comfortable, he didn’t like being in the center of attention, not like this anyway.

“Sorry for being a fucking hot mess.” Jorel said after a while.

“Emphasis on hot.” Dylan tried to lighten the mood and smiled reassuringly at him.

“Bigger emphasis on mess, sorry buddy.” George uttered.

“We all passed out in one point of our lives.” Charlie put his thought in.

“Yeah cause we were intoxicated and it was not in the middle of the day.” Danny reminded him.

“Danny’s not wrong….but please don’t worry too much for me please? It makes me feel guilty.” Jorel couldn’t even look them in the eyes, feeling too ashamed that they had to care for him.

“How could we not? Damn Jay you’re our best friend, why would you think we don’t care about your problems or don’t wanna help you. Just talk to us you fucker.” Charlie spoke to him but Jorel could hear that he wasn’t really mad with him.

“So you all know?” Jorel asked with a small voice. Knowing that they all knew of his habits made him slightly nauseous for the vulnerability he displayed.

“Sorry we thought it’s better when they know and it isn’t really fair to leave them out when they know something’s going on.”

“’s okay. But please don’t treat me differently. You don’t have to take care of me or anything.” He didn’t want the others to change their behaviour when they were around him, he doesn’t want any special treatment or it would remind him that there was indeed something wrong with him. He would rather suppress anything that comes with that subject.

“The only thing I’m going to do now is cuddle you.” Exclaimed Dylan and put down Jorels legs onto the couch before he gave Jorel a big hug.

“I’m joining!” Charlie said and soon he was on top of them.

Danny and George looked at each other with a grin. “Group hugs!” They said in unison and threw themselves on the couch.

“Guys, you’re heavy as fuck! Didn’t you say something about giving me a rest?” Jorel wheezed out under Dylan and Charlie, but none of them gave him a response until they all tumbled off the couch onto the floor. Neither of them moved from there and that’s were they spend their evening, watching a movie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for alle kudos so far, I really appreaciate it. If you like you could also leave a comment, it would make my day.


	9. Pills don't mix with recovery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah I know it's been a month but since the semester started I have so much to do. I could swear the professors are unloading more work on us than ever. But here is a new chapter, it took me while to finish the dialogue in the end but I hope it turned out okayisch.  
> Also there is probably only one last chapter coming, I'm not 100% sure yet how to finnish it.

The next week Jorel was more cared for then in his entire life. Charlie and Danny cooked better for all of them and made sure that he ate enough. They couldn’t live of fast food all the time anyway, not when they wanted to stay in shape for the shows. And not all of them were willing to put as much work in sports as George was.   
Dylan took him on walks from time to time, to the store or just wandering around, Jorel using the time to get his skateboard out. Felt good skating again, it was on of his favourite activities in his teenage years and even now it made him feel free. Sometimes he wondered when his interest in mundane things such as skateboarding or playing with the guys had subsided.  
George was tasked in distracting Jorel the rest of the time they were confined in the bus. He even got him to read one of his books, which was a first. Since Jorel dropped out of school he never came around to read much and rather made fun of George for having his nose in a big book most of the time.   
He found he could sleep better with one of them around and spend most of the nights in Dannys bunk. The blonde one was the smallest of them so Jorel had enough space in there and with their two duvets it was rather comfy, like a sleep over in the early days. It was also convenient to have someone around in case he got a stupid idea at night. Jorel still didn’t trust himself enough to be alone for a long period of time. It was too long ago since he got the chance to really hurt himself and it showcased in his nervous behaviour all of them noticed over the course of the last few weeks. 

Strumming on his guitar, getting the melody further for their new song, got Jorel occupied enough for now. He tried to keep his mind busy, not giving his bad thoughts any chance to surface. It was hard to maintain a positive attitude and concentrating on keeping the rest in used up most of his energy.   
If it weren’t for one habit that kind of helped him archive that. No matter what, the bag of pills was refilled under his pillow, only waiting to be taken by him. Going from one habit to another maybe wasn’t what the guys had in mind when they wanted him to get better but what they didn’t know couldn’t hurt them, right? It wasn’t like Jorel had no guilty conscience about it but right now it wasn’t bad enough to get him to quit.  
He was kind of glad all his bandmates knew about his self harming tendencies just so he didn’t had to hide it anymore. And it kept him in check in case rather bad thoughts circled though his head. There was no way anymore that he would get away with a new cut. The fear of them finding out was bigger than the urge to harm.  
He was torn between spilling it all out about his new found habit to them and continue to hide it behind their backs. It was a tricky situation but he he couldn’t force himself to evaluate the situation, rather focusing on the here and now. As long as nothing happens, he didn’t need to come clean to them, right? Maybe when he managed to cope with his other problem he could try and keep his distance from those colourful pills. But right now, he couldn’t imagine what he would without their help.

It was the usual routine for them: playing a show, go to a club, order strong beverages and try to get with a chick for the night. Nothing out of the ordinary. The music was loud as always and the bass was pumping through their bodies. The flashy colourful lights were illuminating the people dancing in a mix of blue and red and yellow mixed in between. There were people hooking up and people just swaying their body to the beat.   
Charlie was one of them while Danny and George were standing at the bar after Dylan excused himself to the toilet. And it wasn’t unusual for them to be shitfaced. When Danny became a lovesick puppy, telling everyone who doesn’t want to hear it, that he loved them, and George trying to control the urge to scream at him to shut the fuck up. Honestly how many times can you declare your love before realizing that no one was interested in your announcement. But deep down he knew that Danny just wanted them to know what they meant to him, so George buried that urge deep down. Instead he sipped on his glass, looking around for Jorel, who wasn’t seen for a while. Probably hooking up with someone, he thought, he deserved some action. 

It wasn’t until Dylan came running to George, that he realized something was off and Jorel was in fact not hooking up with someone in a filthy corner.

Dylan came near him to shout in his ear. “George, dude, you need to come with me.” He was still breathing in big amounts of air, not used to run in this state.

“Why, you can’t piss in a straight line and need my help?”

“No, it’s Jorel, he’s in one of the stalls and not looking good.”

Now George was getting worried. “Fuck, okay. Danny wait here.” He shouted at the other and left his drink with him, while he ran after Dylan.

Oddly enough, the toilets were empty, where people were usual making out, or splashed water in their faces to keep them from passing out. Dylan led him to the last stall, most far away from the entrance and swung open the door. There on the floor sat Jorel with his legs bend in front of his body and his arms draped over them and his head on top.

“Jorel?” George tried to get his attention but Jorel wasn’t responding. “Did he faint again?” He asked Dylan, who was standing in the door frame while George kneeled in front of his friend.

“No, when I found him, he kind of told me he took something. Must have been not so good mixing it with alcohol, maybe he took too much.”

George took Jorels chin in his hand and looked him in the eyes, which were barely open. Haziness overtook the otherwise bright looking eyes. Definitely high out of his mind, George concluded, pondering how to get his attention, they had to heave him up to get him to his bus and that would turn out difficult when Jorel wasn’t cooperating.

“George!” Dylan cried out when the other slapped Jorel across the face. At least it had the effect, George hoped to archive. Jorel lifted up a hand to feel up his cheek, that got slightly red over the seconds. He pressed out a drawn out “What?”

“Jay? Are you with us now?”  
“What’s goin’ on? Where ‘m I?” Jorel looked like he would pass out again any moment so George heaved him up to his feet and hoped they wouldn’t collapse together. With Dylans help they maneuvered him to the sinks, where George soaked up a few paper towels and put them on Jorels neck, hopefully the cold would wake him up and clear his mind for a while. Give them enough time to get him back to the bus.

“Dylan, go to Danny and tell him I’m bringing Jorel back to the bus.”

“You can manage this here alone?”

“In one way or another. If I have to, I will drag him after me.”

Dylan wasn’t fully convinced but left nonetheless to notify Danny, leaving George alone with a slumped over Jorel.

“Okay come here, we leave now.” George told him but Jorel just mumbled a string of incoherent words. He put one arm around his hip to support him and lifted one of Jorels arms over his own shoulders, hopefully they won’t stumble to the floor the minute they left the room.   
Magically they made their way like this to the entrance of the club where Dylan was already standing, waiting for them, and he put one arm around Jorel when they reached him, to support George in his task.  
When George opened his mouth to ask about the others he saw Danny with a shitfaced Charlie in tow, walking towards them.

“I found him unsuccessfully flirting with a woman and decided to put her out of her misery and safe Charlies face. His choice of words wasn’t one of the delicate sorts. Dude, what’s with Jorel?”

“Don’t know. Let’s go back to the bus first then we can see.” George proposed and together they walked back or in Dylans and George case, more like stumbled around. While Charlie too was out of his mind, he cooperated enough to make the task for Danny easy enough to guide them safely along the street.

To get Jorel into the bus and on the couch turned out to be another difficult mission, that included a Dylan tumbling down the stairs and a Charlie that had a laughing fit cause of it and couldn’t stop, to Georges dissatisfaction. But when Jorel was finally in a lying position, the others took a deep breath, well, everyone except Charlie, who fell asleep the second his back hit the mattress.

“What now?” Dylan asked while Danny tried to persuade Jorel into drinking out of a water bottle, it was like watching a mother desperately convincing her child to eat from a spoon she held in front of her face.

“How did you found him?”

“Well, I needed to piss and the door was open, that’s how I found him. He wasn’t in the right state of mind back then but he held a bag out and I knew he took something. When he wasn’t answering, I searched for you”

“And before that he drank his sorrows away. Not a good combination. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to keep hitting up clubs.” Danny chimed in the conversation. The three suddenly felt uncomfortable sober, a state you only reach when something bad happened and pulls you out of your intoxicated mind, leaving it strangely hollow.  
“Someone should look out for him when he sleeps in case he has to vomit or something.” George said and Dylan pulled a face, it wasn’t a job he was eager to take. “Don’t worry I’ll do it.”

“Wake me at 5 or so and I’ll take over. Dylan you can go to sleep.” Danny said and gave George the bottle, just in case Jorel snapped out of this state and needed it. The two left for the bunks and left George alone with Jorel, who was floating between sleep and reality but couldn’t decide where he would like to be.

George sighed as he flopped down on the floor right next to the couch, one of the blankets used as a pillow. What should he do? It couldn’t go on like this. He couldn’t watch his friend destroying himself while him and the others just watched. If Jorel liked it or not they had to talk, for real this time. No superficial chattering, Jorel had to let them in his mind. After the last accident where he fainted, it took a turn for the better. Jorel ate with them and properly, they always made sure he had a bottle of water in hand and it helped the rest of them too, cause they were aware of their own behaviors. When they weren’t on stage, they rehearsed and they even managed to get along with the song Jorel started weeks ago, Danny helped with the chorus and Charlie was attempting the melody and it came along nicely and it gave Jorel something to distract. It was something he was good in, whenever someone asked him somewhat too personal, he shut them out and wouldn’t talk for a while, almost to the point of sulking. Why couldn’t he see they all wanted the best for him?

When the rest of the bus was silent, it was hard not to fall asleep but the worry in the back of his mind left him alert enough to suppress the urge. That and contemplating how to start the conversation. The last thing he wanted was for Jorel to shut him out again like the start of tour. It shouldn’t put a dent in their friendship. When he talked with Asia it became apparent how it affected him when even his girlfriend miles away could tell something was bugging him. He of course didn’t spill any secrets but was glad he had someone to talk to, who wasn’t as hot headed and hastily as the guys. ‘Just give him space, but let him know you’re there for him whatever it is. Don’t pressure him into anything.” she had said and George took it to his heart.  
With a look on his phone he noticed it was already five in the morning and he should wake Danny to take over. Time sure flies by when you’re in your head, now he knows how Jorel could get like this. Speaking of him, he had only marginally moved from his position on his couch. He was now lying on his stomach, one arm falling sideways over the end of the couch, hand almost reaching the floor. He could look so innocent with his face relaxed and no nightmare in sight.  
Silently George padded to the bunks and woke Danny with a few pokes to his side, who then took his previous position on the floor while George was grateful to have a mattress to lay on now. 

Danny, Dylan and George were downstairs for a quick breakfast. Charlie was still asleep, as usual after heavy drinking, hopefully no underwear this time in the freezer or anywhere else except his suitcase. They were quick with eating, not wanting to leave Jorel alone for too long. The rest of the night was uneventful but better be safe than sorry. George volunteered to check on him after he discarded his plate in the sink and left the other two in the kitchen booth.   
Nothing changed since he got a quick look on him before breakfast. Jorel was still laying on his side but stirring now slightly. It had gotten later in the day, normally he would have been up by now.   
George got in his position from last night, on the floor and waited for Jorel to finally wake up. While sipping on his coffee, he had enough time to think about the upcoming conversation.

The others were seated in the kitchen, tapping on their phones and Charlie eating after they filled him in the events of the night before. When they heard voices from upstairs they looked at each other for a moment but decided without using words to leave the two alone. More input wouldn’t help the conversation.

“Jay, you have to let us in. We can’t read your mind.” George started. Sitting crossed-legged on the opposite of Jorel on the couch. It didn’t took long after all for Jorel to open his eyes, only to be confused why he was laying on the couch instead in his bunk. When George calmly stated last nights events, Jorel was instantly upright and apologized profoundly even though he knew this time he wouldn’t be let off the hook that easily. That’s how he found himself next to George on the couch but didn’t dare to look his friend in the eyes, afraid to see the hurt there. 

“Why do you need to know everything? Why can’t you all leave me the fuck alone?” Jorel was already sounding annoyed, even though they barely talked two sentences. But his head was pounding and the painkillers George gave him hadn’t kicked in yet.

“Because otherwise I can’t help you, or the others. When you don’t wanna talk with me, fine, I won’t get disappointed but then please confide in one of the others. We just want you to get better.”

“I. am. fine.” Jorel gritted through his teeth. How often did he repeat this sentence in the last weeks?

“Your definition of fine is the opposite of mine. I can’t blame you for getting drunk cause we all do that but mixing it with pills, behind our backs? You had to know that what you were doing was wrong, otherwise you wouldn’t have hid it. So why do it in the first place? I thought you were getting better, you stopped cutting yourself. But every few weeks something happens and I will no longer stand by silently and watch how you destroy yourself. We all tried our best but now it’s your turn if you really want something to change.” 

Jorel winced slightly at his words but he could also feel the anger rising in him, forming in the bottom of his stomach going all the way up to his face, where it had to get out when he stood up from the couch, fists clenched besides him. “Because I’m weak and couldn’t cope without hurting myself! I needed something but I couldn’t get my hands on anything sharp without you catching on my intentions. I can’t even go out for a smoke without one of you following me out of fear I’ll burn myself! Sometimes I really regret telling you, cause it’s so hard not to slip. I want to hurt myself so bad, George, and it scares me sometimes but I don’t know what to do. Swallowing pills wasn’t so bad I thought, at least I wasn’t hurting any of you with it, it just fucks up my brain and let me forget. I wish I could take it out and get a new one just so I can get rid of all my thoughts.” Tears were springing to his eyes, out of anger and helplessness. 

“See, that was a start. So you have problems with coping, it’s hard I can understand but if you express your thoughts, don’t you think it would help?” He was still sitting on the couch, now looking up to his friend. The outburst didn’t faze him, he was glad to see his friend had feelings beside indifference, which he showed most of the time, shutting out the others in the process.

“All I ever hear is problems here, problems there. Just admit that I am the problem. I don’t want you to worry, didn’t I say that already? Don’t you guys have anything else to occupy yourselves with?”

Now it was time for George to raise his voice, there was no other way to show Jorel how serious he was. “We worry cause we are afraid you could kill yourself, cause you’re so reckless, it’s easy to overdose and you out of all people should know that!” Why couldn’t he get that in his head, damnit?

“You really think I would do that?” Jorel was staring at him with wide eyes in a surprised manner. Did he gave them a reason to think he would do that? Probably, but he really didn’t intend to do that. Killing himself was never an option he considered. Sometimes he wondered how it would be not to exist, how nice it would be to haver never wandered this earth but he would never test this fantasies. That’s all they were. Fantasies.

“Well it’s hard not do, you don’t give us a reason to think the contrary.”

Jorel had to swallow. He was still standing up but now decided to take the seat beside George, leaning against the back of the couch, the fight was exhausting. “Sorry. I didn’t know you were all thinking that. I would never, you have to believe me. I know the way I’m acting in the moment is far from good but I would never put you through something like this.” Was now the right time to cry? His eyes thought so and tears were starting to flow over his cheeks and nose. He had to wait a minute to be able to speak again after inhaling deeply. “It’s like when I know you’re not caring about me, it would be easier. I would have a reason to do everything I do. But you’re all great friends and I have all I need, a caring family, a roof over my head, this band was everything we ever wanted. Then why do I feel this way? There is no reason besides something’s seriously wrong with me.”

George slung an arm around him, pulling him a bit closer and Jorel let him. As angry as he was just a minute earlier, he knows George just wants the best even when it gets on his nerves. But he also knows that he needs someone who slaps him in the face with reality and therefore pulling him out of his bubble that his mind created. 

“There is nothing wrong with you. You’re just going through a rough phase and you’ll get over it.”  
It doesn’t help that the constant reassurance he needs, make him feel pathetic. Why can’t he just function like any other normal person?

“God, I feel like a kid. Damnit, why can’t I just suck it up and go on with my life?”

“Sucking it all up is what brought us here in the first place so maybe try something else. Look, I can admit I have no idea what’s going on in your brain but whatever it says, it’s not true. It maybe is your voice but it’s not you. Everyone here is thinking the exact opposite of what that voice tells you. You’re not a burden, we like to have you here, otherwise wouldn’t you think I would have already gotten rid of you? You know how I have no patience for bullshit. But you’re important so I want you to stick around a little longer.”

“You will be a great dad. With a speech like that you can conquer anything.” It made George smile a bit.

“Thanks, but did it broke through to you?”

“Yeah. I think the problem was that I didn’t take this all serious enough. I kept everything deep down in myself and tried to keep you in a distance. But I understand that I really have to work on me, with no distractions this time. Fuck, that will be hard.”

“Good to hear.” George grinned at him when Danny came into the room.

“So Dylan, Charlie and I talked and decided to abstain from alcohol and any other substances for the rest of the tour. Well except for weed and coffee, just so it would be easier for you.”

“What? You can’t do that. How did you convince the others?”

“I didn’t have to. We all want you to get better. Besides tour isn’t going on for much longer, we will cope. A good cleansing for all of us. Maybe it adds a few more years to our life span.”

“You guys are crazy. I will never be able to repay you for what you do for me.” Jorel was still stunned. 

“You can repay me in babysitting sessions.” George proposed.

“Are you sure you want that?” Jorel asked with raised eyebrows. He was sure no one would hire him voluntary as a babysitter when he needed one himself. 

“Now that I think about it….”

“What Georges tries to say is that you don’t need to repay us for anything. Now come one, your cereal is waiting for you.”

After breakfast the day got on as usual. Except Jorel seemed looser. The last times he didn’t took his recovering serious enough, but know he was willing to push through. Another relapse and he was sure no one was willing to put up with him anymore. At least for now he had the support he needed.


	10. Something to believe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I finished it! I'm so proud of myself for starting this and even completing it.  
> While I'm under stress for studying for my exams I needed a ventil and wrote the last chapter. It's a bit different than the others, not as flowing but more single moments. But I hope you will like it nevertheless.  
> I needed a while to come up with the ending but then it came naturally while I was writing and decided to keep it this way. And don't worry, I have two more stories in the making, but I don't know when I will be able to write again, my schedule is tight in the moment. 
> 
> And shoutout to DarkParmezan for writing this lovely comment, it really lifted my motivation.
> 
> With that I will leave you alone now to read this chapter.

„What‘s up, Dylan?“ George asked as soon as he walked into the kitchen and saw Dylan slumped over in his seat. His breakfast toast not even touched. 

„I miss my bestest homie.“

„We‘re all here?“ George was a tad confused. Since when did they have other friends?

„I mean my dog you insensitive twat.“

Oh right, Dylans dog was currently placed with his parents since he obviously couldn’t come with them. „Okay, I guess I let you wallow in your sadness and leave you alone with your picture of your dog.” With that he quickly left again, not willing to act as a supportive shoulder right now. Thank god Jorel came over, he could pass the task over to him. 

“Hey Dilly, all good?” Jorel asked as he poured his cereal into a big bowl.

Dylan lifted his head this time to answer. “Yeah whatever. You know that’s bad for you? The more you eat of it, the shorter your life span. All that sugar and such.” He pointed to the cereal bowl in Jorels hand, who was currently searching for the milk carton in their tiny fridge. 

“Oh, is that so?” Jorel asked and grabbed the cereal box again to pour more into his bowl, it was almost overflowing on this point. 

“Dude, stop!” Dylans mood lightened instantly from the situation playing in front of him. He started laughing, head thrown back. That image was just too stupid and even Jorel cracked a smile. 

“Love that you can joke about it but I hope you’re picking up the flakes from the floor before they are everywhere. Just as bad as crumbs in your bed.” Danny came into the kitchen area for a cup of coffee only to catch Dylan and Jorel fooling around. What else was new.

\- - - - -

„God Charlie, could you stop listening to fucking country music. That isn‘t exactly fitting our whole image and it’s annoying as fuck.“ Jorel said while laying in his bunk, laptop on his lap and headphones on but Charlies music was still piercing through the sound coming from the video playing on the screen.

„But watching cat videos on youtube is? And did you see Danny with his beanie? He looks way too cute to be chugging 40s. And Dylan is almost crying cause he misses his fucking dog like it‘s his child. Don‘t let me start with George, he is a huge nerd. So don‘t come at me and my music.“ 

Jorel wasn‘t anticipating a speech. „Chill, at least lower the volume, I don‘t wanna hear that. It‘s distracting me from my cat videos.“ 

„Only on one condition.“

„Okay…?“

„I‘m watching with you.“ Jorel couldn‘t even think any longer over the answer as his curtain was drawn back and Charlie climbed into his bunk, not giving a fuck where his elbows and knees went.

„No not again. Damn Charlie you boxed me right in my family jewels.“

„As if there was anything valuable to be found there before.“

„Fuck you and now shut up if you really want to watch.“ Pressing play again the two were watching side by side as a cat failed to jump onto a closet and dropped to the floor, making the two laugh. Charlie averted his eyes from the screen for a moment to admire Jorels smile. Suited him well better than whatever he looked like the past weeks, he thought. Okay, now don’t get sentimental on him, shit’s too gay for you. 

The thing was, Jorel felt more content with himself. Accepting his shitty situation and not burying it in the deepest corner of his mind made him aware of his behaviour and his self – destructive mind set. Helping him fight against it and not just letting everything happen whilst he surrendered to his feelings. Control was the keyword here. Fighting actively every day until he could feel his mind getting brighter and fighting wasn’t such a burden anymore.

\- - - - - 

„Come on Jay, let‘s go out. Fresh air and so on.“ Danny tried to pursue Jorel in coming with him even though his attempt wasn‘t successful so far. 

„Can‘t I just chill in my bunk?“ Watching cat videos with Charlie seemed way more appealing than being outside, moving, doing something. Who knew limbs could feel so heavy. Sometimes when he lay in bed they felt like they were glued to the mattress, making it unable to get up and start the day.

„No, you can‘t. There‘s this church I‘m sure you will find lovely. You can take some pictures for your insta. And afterwards we can satisfy your caffeine addiction.“ The last bit pushed Jorel into contemplating whether coffee was important enough to go out with Danny or not. Danny seemed to sense his inner struggle.

„I‘m paying, now come on, don‘t think about it for too long, just do it.“ His cap was flung his way and every thought was discontinued as he tried to catch it. The decision was final then and no inner groaning could get him out of it. Danny could be a persistent fucker if he wanted to. He was probably using the same tactic with his daughter and Jorel wasn‘t sure if he liked that thought.

But in the end he was happy he went along. Fresh air really does something with your brain. Only the chipper from the birds was a bit annoying. And the sun shone a little too bright for his liking. However, the pictures he took were worth it. They reminded him of a good day with Danny. Maybe they should start a photo album with pictures they took on tour, displaying the chaotic days, happy days, days where Johnny got angry with them, days where Dylan and Charlie got on everyones nerves or just photos of them doing nothing besides laying around. Those were the best ones anyway, well, besides performing their songs in front of a crowd of fans. 

\- - - - 

Maybe staying up late wasn‘t the greatest idea, not when the worst thoughts your brain can came up with occurred late after midnight. But they thought on their last night on tour they should draw it out and play video games and stupid board games and chat like girls on a sleepover. Charlie was even allowed to drink beer while everyone else got themselves fancy non alcoholic cocktails in the corner store along with chips and nachos. 

After one particular good round of Mario Kart, Danny got up and started dancing, taking revenge on Dylan. Like he did after winning their round of Mortal Kombat. But Dylan couldn’t be bothered and got up as well, showing his own dance moves. Charlie started to play some music on his phone and joined the two on their make shift dance floor. 

“You know, you guys look like those women on Grey’s anatomy?” George asked and Jorel agreed, bobbing his head to the beat.

“How do you even know anything about that show?” Charlie asked in return. “Isn’t that this hospital show for women, who want so spend their evening crying and eating ice cream?”

“Jay and I sometimes watch. It’s good to unwind.” George defended himself. And if they ate ice cream while watching it, it was nothing to be ashamed of.

“Whatever, come here and dance with us.” Danny invited them into their little circle. And George and Jorel didn’t have to be asked twice. Goofing around with friends was a good reason to stay happy.

The five of them were rocking out for a few more minutes, getting their energy out, before collapsing on the floor again.

But the night reached a point of no return and Jorels thoughts creeped up on him. He didn‘t even know how they came up in their current conversation and he was afraid his friends got annoyed with him after complaining the hundredth time to them.

„What if it gets too hard? What if I can‘t pull through? What if I get a weak moment? Or what-“

„Jorel! Can you stop for a moment? What - if - questions are not gonna help you. Anything could happen any time. What if you _are_ strong enough? What if you _do_ manage to pull through?“ Johnny countered his negative thoughts. 

„I just can‘t imagine me doing that. It didn‘t work out in the past, why now?“ Sometimes it was just too hard for him to believe things could get better. Not when he didn‘t manage in the past. What was so different this time around that it would change anything?

„Because you have us now. Okay, let‘s play a game.“ Danny engaged in their conversation. 

„A game?“ Jorel wasn‘t sure how another game could help in this situation. Monopoly probably wasn‘t the answer to his problems.

„Yes. It‘s called minute by minute. If it gets too hard you just have to survive this one minute. And when the minute is over only think for the next minute. And then the minute after that. And when it gets better you can think hour by hour. And so on. You don‘t have to think in big pictures. You just have to survive the minute, the hour, the day and it doesn‘t seem so difficult anymore. Does that sound okay?“

Jorel seemed to think about it, gaze on the floor before him. „I think so. I can try, sounds doable.“

„That‘s all what matters anyway.“ Dylan then said with a reassuring smile.

„Damn, didn‘t know you could get so deep.“ Charlie said impressed. „Anyway who‘s in for a game of poker? Shit‘s good to forget everything when you have to fear for your money.“

„Oh no. No way. I don‘t want to end up naked or lose my weed again.“

„Last time you were drunk so nothing to worry about now.“

„I‘m sure Funny will find a way to undress nevertheless.“ George said.

„Fuck you.“ Dylan was giving him the middle finger while standing up and walking to the bathroom, hand bend behind him so George would see his finger until Dylan disappeared behind the door.

The game of poker never started and when Dylan came back, Danny was almost asleep and Jorel had his head on Georges shoulder while Charlie was playing his own game of strip poker, because apparently ‚it was too hot in the bus‘. Maybe it really was time for bed.

When they gathered in the front of the bus the next day, Charlie wondered for a moment if Dylan forgot to change out of his pyjamas. „Funny?“

„Yeah?“

„Are you sure about your choice of clothes?“ Charlie asked him.

„What‘s with them?“ Dylan looked down, expecting a blob of ketchup or mustard on his shirt from the burger he ate right before they had to go over to the venue. But there was nothing to be found.

„You have Dora the explorer on it.“ George finally pointed out.

„Yeah so? She‘s a smart girl. We have to enforce good role models for all the girls out there.“ He was met with several pairs of eyes that looked at him with various expressions but Danny was the only one who grinned.

„My man. Maybe I will revoke my rule that I will not let you alone with my daughter. Now come on guys, we have a tight schedule.“ The others were pulled out their stupor and left the bus after Danny and Dylan, more or less ready for their last concert.

As the evening progressed, the stage was set up, they performed their soundcheck, last minute decisions were made and after that they could finally take a break in their dressing room, spilled out on the couch, music playing in the background as always. They couldn’t decide if they should feel stoked or sentimental for their last concert. Last day meant after they drove home their little group would diverge for a while. Everyone for himself for a few weeks until they got back together to write and produce new songs. Normally they were relived to get some alone time after a chaotic and loud tour but this time around they felt much more like family. The fights and grumpiness were still there but tolerable. 

„Honestly it’s weird coming home again when so much will change. Don’t know if I should feel happy or nervous. When I’m home I won’t have any more days to prepare for the whirlwind that will come soon.” Johnny said.

Danny nodded. „Understandable. You know you can always hit me up.“

“Oh my god, I have a great idea.” Charlie said and made everyone groan in response. Usually, nothing good came out of this exclamation. “Jay, you will be alone when George is moving out and you love cats. Why don’t you get one from an animal shelter? You always wanted one, didn’t you?”

“Wow that really is a great idea. Didn’t expect that.” George said while nodding impressed.

“I would like to take that as a compliment.”

“Hm, I guess yeah. But our landlord didn’t allow one so it never work out.”

“You said you wanted to move out. I’m sure we can find someone who’s allowing pets.” Danny interjected, remembering their conversation from a while back. That was the opportunity for Jorel to fulfil a dream. 

“I mean it would be great. Wouldn’t have to pretend anymore I want to meet with you when I just wanted to cuddle with your dogs.”

“WHAT?!” Danny and Dylan simultaneously yelled out. 

Jorel was doubling over from laughing after seeing their shocked faces. “I was just joking guys. Your pets were just a great bonus for meeting up with you.” He said to calm them down.

“But please don’t become one of these pet owners who take their pets everywhere with them.” Charlie begged him. 

That gave Jorel great ideas. “Wouldn’t object to take my cat with me for grocery shopping. It could sit on my shoulders.”

“Like a pirate but so much cooler.” Dylan commented.

“Not unless the cat can talk.”

“What would it even say? ‘Wish I could knock every shelf over?’ Or ‘ No not that food you idiot. That’s not good enough for a princess like me.’”

“Don’t make fun of my cat before I even got one or you’re not invited over to my place anymore.” Jorel glared at Dylan. The threat worked good enough for Dylan to stand up and flee into the corner with their drinks, taking a sip.

It was time for them to perform anyway. Stage fright was always the worst on last concerts when everything should run perfect, the fans should have the most fun and the mood should be over the top.

The highlight was definitely when Jorel rode on Dylans shoulders, guitar in hand, swirling over the stage and a red bra was thrown on stage, right in Dylans face. Honestly what did they expect they should do with them? Give them their girlfriends? Wank one? Start a charity with bras thrown on stage? Definitely one of those three things.   
Anyhow, Dylan didn’t mind getting a piece of cloth in his face. It was probably more action than he got the last weeks, that was what the guys said at least and made fun of later when they were out. 

They just gathered into a small bar without dancing people and overstimulating lights and music. Without alcohol those things weren’t so much fun anyway. But the virgin cocktails were great and it helped preventing their conversation going downhill into stupid town. 

“Cheers to a wonderful night.” Danny said and leaned in to clink glasses.

“And to a successful tour.” George added before Danny could carry out his action.

Now it was Dylans turn. “To our next great hit.” He said and looked over to Charlie, sitting beside him.

“And to even greater friends.” Making everyone smile and looking anticipating at Jorel.

“Ehm, I can’t come up with anything else. You said everything worth mentioning.” 

George seemed to think. “To a future worth living for?”

“How can you be so sure about that?” Jorel asked.

George just smiled. “I know it's gonna be alright, the world is worth the fight”

“And if not the world, then at least your future cat.”


End file.
